Aging Parents: Control and Respect--Do We Inadvertently Mess Up at Thanksgiving (and other times)?

                                        You may have received the Thanksgiving forward below--or not...

In any case, I share it. Supposedly it's from a grandmother. Disregarding its length and the possibility that a non-grandmother created it, it conveys an important message--irreverently highlighting elders' values--exaggerating basic, irksome things younger people, whether adult children or beloved grandchildren, do. Even if we don't get caught up in the specifics or the humor, the need for elders to have control and respect comes through loud and clear.

I've become even more keenly aware recently. For Senior Advisor R, now 101, life has become hard work. There may be no other 101-year-old in this country who still lives alone in her own home of 65+ years, getting regular help only 4 hours a week from a cleaning person. Admittedly neighbors on both sides and across the street discretely watch out for her 24/7. I've written about this previously. They treasure her.

To view entire blog and read Grandma's letter, please visit my other site.

AGING PARENTS; DO WE HELP OR (INADVERTENTLY) DIMIISH THEM 3--SELF ESTEEM

"Good job!" How often do parents say this simple phrase to their children. Good parents praise and reinforce self-worth. No elaboration needed. What is needed is the reminder of how easily self-esteem can be unwittingly undermined in the elderly--be it by strangers, acquaintances, or family members.

Is it due to assumptions people make about older people?
Is it that a well-meaning phrase, used to show affection, is actually belittling to a proud elder?
Is it that an unthinking remark, in response to an elder's age-related issue, hurts?

To view entire post, please go to my other site

Aging Parents: Feeling Alone in a Crowded Room--plus 2 Addition Reasons They May Not Want to Go Out Any More

 It may all boil down to pride; staying home is safe.

No one likes to feel diminished, whether it's unintentional or not. Yet going someplace where interaction with others is the norm can pose a threat to older people's pride and self-esteem when they have certain aging issues. I think it's safe to say many--if not all-- older people begin to recognize what octogenarian Julia calls "a lessening of oneself," adding "it's not pleasant."

When others no longer pay attention to them and/or or older people don't want others to discover their "lessening," thoughts of being with others away from home can be emotionally troubling. Three issues (you may think of more) that can cause this:

To view entire post, please visit my other site

Aging/Elderly Parents: Self-Esteem--Vulnerable

Weddings and bridal showers are usually intergenerational events. The celebratory feeling during that time gives old and young the opportunity to easily interact, sharing--for a brief period-- a commonality most of us have experienced. 

My friend's mother--86, independent and in-charge--had a diminishing experience at her granddaughter's bridal shower, an experience even my friend, Katy (a perfect aging parent's daughter) couldn’t have anticipated.

Continued on my other site:http:helpparentsagewell.com

Help Aging Parents: Shorter Days=Depression and Doldrums

Six Suggestions to Help Aging Parents Through the Shorter Days of Autumn and the Short, Dark Days of Winter 

Why?  Just as sunshine usually raises our spirits, the arrival of autumn (on Wednesday) with less sun, cooler weather, falling leaves, and ultimately barren trees and dark days has the opposite effect on many.  To help parents age well with a positive attitude, six suggestions follow.

1.  Structure things so aging parents--especially those who are homebound--have daily connections with family and friends (old friends, new friends, your childhood friends who are still in contact with your parents, clergy).  It can help avoid the doldrums or get them out of a "funk."

2.  Arrange for letters, notes, faxes, e-mails (hard copies can be shared with friends and reread), phone calls, Skype to arrive daily.  Fax and e-mail take little time, require no conversation, yet bring stimulation to aging parents along with the knowledge that someone is thinking about them.  (Great for adult children.)

3.  Remember that "carrots," plans to do something at a future date, give aging parents something to think about and look forward to.

4.  Asking advice in a phone call, e-mail etc. doesn't happen so much any more with older people.  To be asked reinforces self-esteem--feelings of being able to contribute, of being needed.

5.  Sharing appropriate personal thoughts and feelings--with or without asking for input--is flattering (enhances self-esteem) and inclusive.

6.   Discussing news and exchanging ideas is stimulating.  And who doesn't like gossip?


The highly regarded 1987 MacArthur Foundation Study of Aging in America (along with other studies) identifies social connectedness as one of the three most important factors in successful aging.  The more people in an aging person's life, the better.

So for older people--especially if they live in the north--there are dreary months ahead and connections with others become even more important.  They provide stimulation.  They help older people combat feelings of isolation, loneliness, and depression.  And that makes our life easier too.  


In addition, an elderly person's feeling that he or she matters--that someone cares--is priceless.  And isn't that a big part of what helping parents age well is all about.

Please visit my .com:  http://helpparentsagewell.com

Driving (or Not) Part 1

“Perhaps the scariest road hazard is the one they don’t make a sign for.” The large bold type on the back cover of the August 10&17, 2009 New Yorker catches my eye: The silhouette of a girl, leaning forward, hands on the steering wheel, pony tail flying fills a drawing--a yellow and black, road-hazard-shaped sign, with a smaller sign just below saying TEENS. I save the back cover. I know I want to use it in my blog.

When we think about scary drivers, don’t we usually think “old drivers?” Mary’s Florida father (last post) won’t be driving for a while. That may be a relief. Admittedly many of us shudder when we think about older Florida/Arizona/California drivers. And some of us may wonder if drivers in their 80’s should be on the road, period. If teenagers are “perhaps the scariest road hazard,” what about older drivers?

Research shows that drivers age 55 and older are 25% of the driving population but have only 1% of the accidents. AARP tells us that older drivers usually drive fewer miles each year than younger drivers, so we must consider that. Also the number of accidents per mile rises sharply at age 75, which may be why some think older drivers are scary.

The New Yorker back cover informs us that “teens make up only 7% of America’s drivers but account for 12% of all accidents,” elaborating “IN 2007 TEENS KILLED MORE THAN 3,000 PEOPLE IN OTHER VEHICLES.” With the goal of supporting our parents’ self-esteem and not taking away independence prematurely, how do children use the preceding facts and information when assessing and discussing older parents’ driving?

If we have aging parents and teenagers and we see signs of dangerous driving, how do we respond to each age group? Yes, I know, have sufficient insurance. But of course more is involved. Aren’t we more likely to ground a teenager (whose whole life is ahead) but take the keys away permanently and change the life of an older person? Should one size fit all older drivers?

“Make Haste Slowly” is good advice, unless there’s a threat to life and limb. Taking time to get the information needed for informed decisions instead of knee-jerk reactions, is especially important when potentially life-changing consequences are at stake. As we gather information and review options, solutions for seemingly large problems are often clarified.

Example: Kim’s 76-year-old mother spends winters in the South with her adult son. Her mind is good and she’s a good driver; but she gave her children a scare. She took a wrong turn going home from a party, got in a lane that put her onto a freeway, and ended up in a neighboring state. Ultimately she got home three hours later. While her son immediately wanted to take away the keys, her far-away-living daughter suggested their mother have thorough physical, neurological, and vision examinations-- taking away the keys only until the results were back. The results? She was fine. Then what? Creative thinking. Her adult children gifted her with a GPS programmed only for “home.” Three years later, a happy, confident, independent 79-year-old continues to drive without incident.