Aging Parents: It's the Haa, Haa-py-est Time of the Year---or is it?

The words and melody from the radio fill my car as I drive to the post office to mail the holiday cards. We have snow.  It looks like a winter wonderland. And kids, amid shrieks of laughter and merriment, are sledding down our shared driveway on anything they can find that's large enough to sit on. Sun is shining, snow balls are flying, and I'm certain school vacation is adding to this happiest of times.

Then my counseling background kicks in and I remember that holidays aren't always the happiest of times for people. So I decide to check in with a few older people and see how they're doing.

The consensus from my small sample--but there's no disagreement: This is the haa, haa-py-est time of the year for children who have none of the responsibilities of adulthood, for newly marrieds who are looking forward, and for young couples with children who still believe in Santa.

It's an especially happy time when older family members are geographically near enough to children and grandchildren so that they can gather together to celebrate and talk about shared past experiences. Meanwhile the excitement of the children in the family provides a background of energy and optimism.

"The holidays are a time when our mind drifts back to past Christmases that were happy times. It's a sentimental time," recalls one older widow."It's a wonderful time when families can get together, yet a lot of people are completely alone.  As people get older, they have experienced losses. Especially for those who've lost their mates, other people's happiness can be a reminder of the losses we've incurred. We're just more vulnerable to that kind of thing when we get older."

"Unless there's a lot of family around and a lot going on, it's not the happiest time of the year. It's depressing," shares a 70-year-old man. 

There's agreement that it takes effort for older people to find this a happy time. "It doesn't just happen," says one. 

"It's what you make of it when you're older," says another. "If you make the effort to be with people it's good, but it can be exhausting. We may continue to decorate and continue to write notes on the Christmas cards because we want our home to look festive and we like to get letters back after we write the notes. But we need to trim down and trim back so we aren't too tired to enjoy."

So then I ask the question: How can younger people help? Can they help?

• "Stay in close contact with elders--aunts, uncles. Make sure they're not forgotten."
• "A phone call even; it doesn't have to be a visit. I had a wonderful phone call from a far-away relative recently. You know older people dholidays,on't relate to an email as they do to a phone call."
• "It's nice to take older people out to something, but take them to something that is rather quiet, that isn't too taxing an experience."

OK, everyone. Why not pick up the phone and talk with at least one older person who lives alone or feels isolated. Brighten his or her day. Make these older people feel special, cared about...because they are. Raise their self-esteem. Add interest to their lives. Major studies confirm that connections are one of the most important factors in successful aging. It may not be the Haa, Haa-py-est time of the year for most older people, but we can make it better.

Help Aging Parents: Shorter Days=Depression and Doldrums

Six Suggestions to Help Aging Parents Through the Shorter Days of Autumn and the Short, Dark Days of Winter 

Why?  Just as sunshine usually raises our spirits, the arrival of autumn (on Wednesday) with less sun, cooler weather, falling leaves, and ultimately barren trees and dark days has the opposite effect on many.  To help parents age well with a positive attitude, six suggestions follow.

1.  Structure things so aging parents--especially those who are homebound--have daily connections with family and friends (old friends, new friends, your childhood friends who are still in contact with your parents, clergy).  It can help avoid the doldrums or get them out of a "funk."

2.  Arrange for letters, notes, faxes, e-mails (hard copies can be shared with friends and reread), phone calls, Skype to arrive daily.  Fax and e-mail take little time, require no conversation, yet bring stimulation to aging parents along with the knowledge that someone is thinking about them.  (Great for adult children.)

3.  Remember that "carrots," plans to do something at a future date, give aging parents something to think about and look forward to.

4.  Asking advice in a phone call, e-mail etc. doesn't happen so much any more with older people.  To be asked reinforces self-esteem--feelings of being able to contribute, of being needed.

5.  Sharing appropriate personal thoughts and feelings--with or without asking for input--is flattering (enhances self-esteem) and inclusive.

6.   Discussing news and exchanging ideas is stimulating.  And who doesn't like gossip?


The highly regarded 1987 MacArthur Foundation Study of Aging in America (along with other studies) identifies social connectedness as one of the three most important factors in successful aging.  The more people in an aging person's life, the better.

So for older people--especially if they live in the north--there are dreary months ahead and connections with others become even more important.  They provide stimulation.  They help older people combat feelings of isolation, loneliness, and depression.  And that makes our life easier too.  


In addition, an elderly person's feeling that he or she matters--that someone cares--is priceless.  And isn't that a big part of what helping parents age well is all about.

Please visit my .com:  http://helpparentsagewell.com

Aging Parents: A Caring Touch

It's so natural to cuddle babies. Dr. Spock wrote in the 1940's, "when you hug him or make noises at him, when you show him that you think he's the most wonderful baby in the world, it makes his spirit grow, just the way milk makes his bones grow."

At the other end of the life cycle, do we nourish aging parents' spirits?

How often do aging parents receive a hug, a kiss, an affectionate squeeze? How often are they touched in a caring way, a way that conveys affection, a way that conveys shared joy? (Do loyal grandparents who attend every athletic competition get high-fives or a hug from jubilant grandchildren after the game?)

When parents can grow old together caring touches undoubtedly continue; but what about elderly parents who are living alone either because they never married or have lost their spouse?

I pose this question in the introduction to the "self-esteem section" in my yet-to-be-published book. And then, this past week, NY Times published an article, in the Health/Mind category, Evidence That Little Touches Do Mean So Much.

While we realize some older people do remarry, in so many families there will be elderly family members, living alone for whom the warmth generated from a touch by children, nieces, nephews and other caring people will be in short supply.

Yet the Times article adds another aspect, telling us that the body interprets a supportive touch as "I'll share the load." This is the signal we get from a caring, affirming touch.

In sum, a caring touch can be a very positive, meaningful gesture for aging parents...a gesture in which all family members (and caring friends) can participate in order to add another ingredient to helping older parents age well.

The Day After Christmas

What happens after an event that we've been anticipating--hearing about well in advance--takes place? No matter the event, it happens (present tense). Then it's over. Ended. Done. And we are left with the emotional residue--wonderful or not so wonderful, depending.

When it's something we've been dreading, it's no doubt an emotional relief to have it over. When it's something we've looked forward to, and it meets or exceeds our expectations, we may be filled with happiness and wish it could last. But since it can't, we may feel sad, or it's a "let down."

The day after Christmas signals such an ending is coming and it's not uncommon for people who enjoy the festivities to have an emotional response. When aging parents have a busy life the holidays don't necessarily fill a void, rather they are a welcome addition to an already busy schedule. When parents live alone, however, and don't have a busy life, the void left at the end of the holidays can intensify feelings of emptiness, and of being alone. And the fact that winter weather sets in and it gets dark earlier isn't helpful in certain parts of the US.

Can adult children inflate that let down feeling? Yes. First, refer to this past Tuesday's post and reread the three suggestions. Next, use your 2010 calendar to ensure the three suggestions aren't forgotten.

I am remembering the advice given to me by a priest interviewed for my divorce book years ago. He talked about the importance of touching base on a regular basis with people we care about when they face challenges or need us in their lives. To this end, he said, he wrote on his calendar at regular intervals--daily, twice weekly, weekly, monthly etc. etc.--"phone so-and-so," putting their telephone numbers next to their names. He said it was the only way he could be certain of regularly continuing the connection. That advice turned out to be helpful for me at certain times with my counselees and their parents. It's rarely lack of interest that prevents us from doing something additional on a regular basis. More likely we just get busy and forget.

So once again I guess we need to be thinking about picking up the phone--after we take out our 2010 calendar or whatever date-book technology we use and write in a few names and numbers of our older, living alone friends and possibly even our parents.