Aging Mothers: A Life Changer….overheard in the Hair Salon

Sr. Advisor D

Meet D, our newest Sr. Advisor.  A former colleague and long-time friend, D has offered us aging insights for several years. Below she writes about a recent experience at her long-time "hair salon," aka "hairdresser's," "beauty salon." 

Regardless of name, it's a place women go ostensibly to look better. But it's much more than that for many older women. It's socialization, getting out of the house, therapy of sorts. Indeed it's one of the few patterns of younger days that can easily continue well into old age.

Where else can an older person relax and count on being listened to, being pampered, being treated well? The hair salon's supportive atmosphere lends itself to sharing thoughts and feelings.  D takes it from here--

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Aging Parents: Will This Video Game Help Aging Parents Drive Safer Longer?

We're reading more about research studies leading to "games" involving "Brain Training." We see and hear the advertisements for ways to improve memory, alertness etc.....
One of the latest games to come out of the research is a video game, Road Tour. I can't recommend--or not recommend--it; but it's an interesting addition to games for older people. Its focus is worth knowing about. It involves vision, specifically expanding one's field of vision, which evidently tends to shrink as we age. The positive outcome of this game is that it could keep older people driving longer.

Please go to my other site to read entire post.

Things Most Parents Won’t Tell Us… and Why

(Because of responses to Tuesday’s post, this replaces the planned "Food" post.)

The following situations and reactions are truly not exclusive to older people. We’d probably react the same way; but when older people are involved it's different, or does it just seem different? OK. Most parents won’t tell us--

--They’ve fallen. Reason #1 for a remarkable 88-year-old mother: PRIDE. By the time her daughter found out, her mother had fallen many times and bounced back to normal without anyone’s knowing; or if they knew, they’d been sworn to secrecy. This time she broke her 88-year-old hip. It turns out a simple corrective device, placed in her shoes, was all that was needed to solve the balance problem that caused the fall in the first place. But the solution came after enduring hospitalization and rehabilitation for her hip. While she’s still a spunky and amazing 88-year-old, it did “take her down a notch.”

Reason #2: for more older parents than we realize: FEAR--of being forced to give up their home and go to a place where their adult children think falls are less likely—be it moving from a home with stairs to a one-floor apartment or to independent or assisted living, or coming to live with their adult children (granted, much less likely today than it was in previous generations)

--They’ve had a driving incident. Reason: older parents FEAR they'll have to stop driving. This fear is very prevalent. But it but needn’t be if adult children are smart like Kim (Archives: Driving Part 1); rule out medical issues that prevent people’s driving; and know about resources that enable older people to drive well longer (Archives: Driving Part 2). If it's determined that parents are no longer qualified to drive, it will be based on solid evidence. On the other hand, it makes everyone's life easier and happier if safe-driving parents continue to drive (possibly aided by programs like CarFit, http://www.car-fit.org/), as long as it remains legitimate for them to do so.

--Their problems and concerns. Reason #1: THEY STILL FEEL PROTECTIVE TOWARDS THEIR CHILDREN and don’t want to burden them, especially if the adult children are dealing with problems of their own.

Reason #2: They DON'T WANT TO BE TOLD WHAT TO DO, they just want someone to listen and someone who they know cares, to bounce ideas off of.

And to a lesser degree, depending on their children's way of responding---

--What they’re doing. Reason: NO ONE WANTS A LECTURE or being told what to do, be they children, young adults or old adults. One independent-living, 80-something-year old father said: “I told my daughter I was going to the movie with a friend and immediately was told it wasn’t wise because of swine flu. Come on. Children and people with certain conditions and are most at risk and I’m neither.” Another 80-year-old sums up the feelings of many when she confidently says “I still think I can make my own decisions.”

Basically, it seems when parents have reached a certain age and consider themselves independent and able to make good decisions, some may be protective of their adult children and most—if not all—resent unsolicited, even if well-meaning, advice for the reasons above. There is a little poem in my yet-to-be published book that goes something like this:

Our children have knowledge of important things
Things that they think we should know
Forgetting we told them those very same things
When they were young-- years ago.

Something to think about.

DANGEROUS--or NOT

Three Sundays ago an allegedly drunk mother left a party in New York City with seven young girls in her car—to take them to a slumber party. According to the New York media, people were very concerned about her driving. One person unsuccessfully tried to prevent her from getting into the car, but no one stopped her. Her car sped out of control and crashed. An 11-year-old girl was killed; others were hospitalized. A radio news report a day or two later, said that the mother had regained consciousness, was distraught, and was under suicide watch.

Questions: under what circumstances should we force people to do—or not do—something for their own good? What are the consequences of doing nothing in potentially life-and-limb-threatening situations--because we think nothing will happen? And when do we act too quickly and change people’s lives unnecessarily and not for their own good?

There’s no question, we must intervene in situations that threaten life and limb. That’s easy to say, but may be difficult to do. And I know, from a school counselor’s viewpoint, it takes discipline—not easy when we know someone well. As a counselor there is no choice, however. Child abuse and potential suicide, among others issues, require immediate intervention, just as certain issues with parents require immediate intervention.

Denial, an emotional mechanism that operates without our being aware of it, can keep us from acting. (Remember denial protects us from having to deal with a reality until we’re ready to deal with it.) Could that be the excuse for the people at the party? Can that be an excuse when older parents are clearly a danger to themselves and/or others and no one intervenes? Should we do a reality check with our parent’s doctor or a trusted friend, who knows our parents, to rule out our possible denial in questionable situations? It seems that would serve everyone well.

Knee-jerk reactions, on the other hand, cause us to make major changes quickly, possibly unnecessarily. So how do we determine necessary from knee-jerk?

A highly respected head of elderly services at a family counseling agency tells us, for example, that adult children are quick to rush their parents into assisted living when they see, for instance, “food rotting in the refrigerator, mail piling up, and the home or apartment a mess.” But, she says, “these parents most likely need ‘care management, not assisted living’ and could probably remain in their home for quite a while (by getting help from a social worker or someone experienced in working with the elderly).

In one case new prescription glasses were the answer. A home aide hired to clean up a few hours a week, solved another problem. Forgetfulness was caused by easily changed medication, not dementia. Bottom line: if it isn’t immediately dangerous, make haste slowly.

While we can’t be perfect, it seems we can save ourselves and our parents unnecessary problems and unhappiness if we keep the above in mind. And these websites may help:
http://mayoclinic.org/, http://www.helpguide.org/, http://www.familydoctor.org/ (American Academy of Family Physicians, click 'seniors'), http://forms.lighthouse.org/hny/search
www.afb.org/seniorsite, (American Foundation for the Blind), http://www.alz.org/ (Alzheimer’s Assn)