Making It Better for Parents in Assisted Living

Is "assisted living" a euphemism for warehousing aging parents in an attractive place where we think they'll be well taken care of? The PBS documentary "Life and Death in Assisted Living" is, I certainly hope, not the norm. But what is the norm (and it's not the fault or responsibility of the administrators of the assisted living facility) may be the often inattentiveness on the part of adult children once their parents are in assisted living.
 
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Aging Parents and Far-Away-Living (or Not) Children. Thoughts About Home Health Care (or Not)

The dilemma when health issues increase

Most caring children--far-away-living or not-- have undoubtedly thought about the time when living alone will become problematical for their parents....

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Aging at Home or Elsewhere: Helping Aging Parents Make the Right Move

"Picture the scene: parents aren't eating properly, they have deteriorated medically, the bills aren't paid, the mail has piled up, the laundry isn't done, clutter is everywhere."

These are "typical crises" that prompt adult children to "run to put them (their parents) in assisted living prematurely," says J. Donna Sullivan, LCSW, and Director of Older Adult Services for the Scarsdale and Edgemont Family Counseling  Service.  "It's premature," she says, "because their parents could continue to live fairly independently for another 5-6 years if they took advantage of services that are available in almost all communities."

"What I've seen most is the deterioration of older people's health because they're physically not able to get to doctors or dentists or get their hearing aid batteries...There are services to assist them with meals, transportation, with housekeeping--but they're not getting them.  The bills aren't paid and the mail piles up because they can't see well and need new glasses and ultimately it gets to crisis mode.  These older people need care management, not assisted living."

It's common knowledge that most people who can remain in their own homes as they age do better.  Why?

• Home is an anchor offering comfort and the familiar.
• Feelings of independence and self-worth remain in tact.
• The familiar neighborhood often still provides connections with others.
• The well-known physical structure of the home instills the confidence to move about freely within its walls, contributing to mobility and physical well-being unless stairs are an issue.

This probably means it's in most aging parents' best interest when we can help them remain in their homes as long as possible (and it will no doubt make us happier too).  Thus, we may need to find out more about--then use--some of the new technology featured in the last two posts, as well as older technology like the pendant one pushes in an emergency.

If this doesn't seem doable, your parent's doctor should know the kind of living situation most suitable for your parents; or a social worker or a geriatric care manager can assess your aging parent's situation and make recommendations.

Knowing how important "home" is, raises 3 important questions:

1. "Is it better to respect parents' wishes about where they live--even if it makes it  more  difficult for us?
2. "How can we make it work?"
3. "If we can't make it work, how do we--and our parents--go about finding a suitable living situation elsewhere?

"Elsewhere" will be addressed in this coming Saturday's post.

Aging Parents: Leaving Home For The Last Time

A No Doubt Often-Repeated Scene as Adult Children Try to Help
 Aging Parents Change Living Situations

An elderly well-dressed, frail-looking mother in a wheel chair. An adult daughter getting snacks at the airport before boarding a plane.  Apologies about the mother's wheelchair blocking access to the cash register.  My response--not wanting to make the elderly mother feel bad for causing the 'roadblock'--  "No problem, I'm not in a hurry."

We ended up sitting near each other in the same boarding area to take the same plane to another state.  Bits of conversation.  Had the mother and daughter been vacationing  in San Diego?  Question directed at the mother.  "No, she's coming to live nearer me and my sister,"  answered the daughter.

Additional conversation disclosed that the mother had lived in the San Diego area since she was a teenager.  Dismantling her home was a major job; a moving van was transporting her furniture to an assisted living facility.  The daughter then busied herself with something.  Her mother sat quiety in the wheel chair.  I read my magazine.  I don't know what made me glance up and look towards the mother and daughter again but I thought I saw the elderly mother's lip quivering.

Later, after boarding the plane and beginning the walk to my seat, I glimpsed the daughter sitting by the window--looking out. Her elderly mother sat next to her in an aisle seat, looking down at her lap--a tear running down her cheek.

My friend  Katy's observation, made several years ago, leaped from my memory bank.  "It's like pulling a flower in the garden up by the roots."

P.S. Katy helped her parent age well in her own home until she died in her 90's.

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