Aging Parents and Older People: Moving

Her father had early dementia in his early 90's. At that time she gently discussed whether or not he thought a different living situation would make sense. It was too soon for him, but the idea was planted. A few years later when he could still think clearly some of the time and she could capture the moment, she again broached the question. His response: "I don't want to give up being the boss yet."  That's it, isn't it? Pure and simple.


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When Aging Parents Should Move From Their Homes

Do you know the optimum age at which parents should move?

Clue: It's a wake-up call.

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Help Aging Parents: Downsizing, Leaving Home, and Loss

Being smack in the middle of downsizing--preparing to move after decades in one's home--is daunting.  The thought was daunting even before we began.

Everyone comments "How exciting!" when hearing a NY city apartment awaits us. True, it is exciting to think about moving back to NYC where we lived for several years after graduate school; but we've been too busy to give much time to that kind of thinking.

Another kind of thinking continually pops into my head, however. It's the thought that moving from one's home at any age is unsettling.  When we consider the stress and feelings we experience and we've initiated the move, we can understand why thoughts of moving from their home is so distressing for older people.

 3 Reasons

If it's a move that aging parents haven't initiated, often to assisted living on a "campus" with facilities for levels of care, it's in-their-face recognition that:
---they are unable to carry on life as they have for so many decades
---others recognize this and no longer have confidence in their abilities to remain as  independent as they have been
---this is probably their last stop before the cemetery.

Moving under these circumstances understandably triggers feelings of many types of loss: of abilities, of self-esteem, of independence, of optimism.  It must be accompanied by an overarching sense of what was and what lies ahead.  For older people who feel forced to move this must be very sobering.

I think of all the memories that surface with every box and folder that is opened, with every photo and piece of saved stuff that is examined. My husband and I smile and think of how of good it was, forgetting the challenges which seemed so big at the time.

We are looking forward, not moving that far from our present community, and it's exciting.  Yet I know realistically there will be a time when we will look back, assuming we reach a ripe old age. Upon reaching 89 Dad often said, "When you can look back many more years than you can look forward, you know you're old." I truly don't think he felt old until he began saying that.

Perhaps it's because he never had to move, he never confronted that kind of sobering change and the feelings of loss that go with it. Yet clearly, living that long, Dad experienced many kinds of loss.

Understanding the components of moving--which involve change, energy, downsizing, and organization and loss--provides us with sensitivity to their impact and understandings to help our aging parents and think twice before initiating unnecessary change. Won't it also help us when the time comes?

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Aging at Home or Elsewhere: Helping Aging Parents Make the Right Move

"Picture the scene: parents aren't eating properly, they have deteriorated medically, the bills aren't paid, the mail has piled up, the laundry isn't done, clutter is everywhere."

These are "typical crises" that prompt adult children to "run to put them (their parents) in assisted living prematurely," says J. Donna Sullivan, LCSW, and Director of Older Adult Services for the Scarsdale and Edgemont Family Counseling  Service.  "It's premature," she says, "because their parents could continue to live fairly independently for another 5-6 years if they took advantage of services that are available in almost all communities."

"What I've seen most is the deterioration of older people's health because they're physically not able to get to doctors or dentists or get their hearing aid batteries...There are services to assist them with meals, transportation, with housekeeping--but they're not getting them.  The bills aren't paid and the mail piles up because they can't see well and need new glasses and ultimately it gets to crisis mode.  These older people need care management, not assisted living."

It's common knowledge that most people who can remain in their own homes as they age do better.  Why?

• Home is an anchor offering comfort and the familiar.
• Feelings of independence and self-worth remain in tact.
• The familiar neighborhood often still provides connections with others.
• The well-known physical structure of the home instills the confidence to move about freely within its walls, contributing to mobility and physical well-being unless stairs are an issue.

This probably means it's in most aging parents' best interest when we can help them remain in their homes as long as possible (and it will no doubt make us happier too).  Thus, we may need to find out more about--then use--some of the new technology featured in the last two posts, as well as older technology like the pendant one pushes in an emergency.

If this doesn't seem doable, your parent's doctor should know the kind of living situation most suitable for your parents; or a social worker or a geriatric care manager can assess your aging parent's situation and make recommendations.

Knowing how important "home" is, raises 3 important questions:

1. "Is it better to respect parents' wishes about where they live--even if it makes it  more  difficult for us?
2. "How can we make it work?"
3. "If we can't make it work, how do we--and our parents--go about finding a suitable living situation elsewhere?

"Elsewhere" will be addressed in this coming Saturday's post.