Help Parents Age Well With a Short Summer Outing

Sunset  Pacific Ocean  Seaside, Oregon

WHERE?    
The Coast--The Shore
When it's less than an hour and a half ride (usually doable for older people who may even sleep part of the way), a drive to the coast offers a change of scenery. Some say the sea air wets the appetite. No doubt fresh fish and clam chowder help.


Beach towns: attract people of all ages, usually have an abundance of restaurants, interesting shops, and places to stay.  Even the smallest, quietest towns have a favorite eating spot. Sticking a toe in the water, or walking barefoot in the sand--independently or on your arm--can be an added bonus for parents. Old-timers said saltwater was good for feet. Breathing the fresh air is another plus.

Inland

The options to help aging parents have a change of scenery are only limited by time and interest. Destinations to places of quiet and beauty, charming towns, museums, vineyards, or a ride in the country--are among the possibilities.

Lakes, rivers, mountains, and national parks offer so much natural beauty, with picnic tables at most places of scenic interest and/or dining in nearby small towns. Major attractions like Multnomah Falls in the West (Columbia River Highway out of Portland, Oregon), may have a good restaurant (check to see if reservations are advised). Touristy or not these natural attractions take people "out of themselves" and into what's real. Clearly a change for aging parents who are inside most of the time and appreciate (or once appreciated) nature.

Driving with my parents to small towns they used to frequent near their home but didn't get to any more, was a welcome outing. And some towns, like the historic towns in New England, they loved. There are well-known towns like Saratoga, NY (pretty town, famous horse racing track) that, depending on where parents live, can be a short outing to a popular destination. Simply driving around those towns and having lunch or a midday meal, helps parents age well...gives them something to think and talk about for a long time.

Small museums in New England: The Clark's (www.clarkart.edu) world class paintings in Williamstown, Mass., the Norman Rockwell Museum (www.nrm.org) in Stockbridge, Mass. and the Bennington Museum (www.benningtonmuseum.org) in Vermont with its Grandma Moses collection, are gems. The latter should be uplifting. Grandma Moses was still painting at 100.

Check out my new site: http:helpparentsagewell.com. It's almost complete.  Same post, same  photo (which upset the layout and spacing when I uploaded it here), plus tabs with more information.. 

AGING PARENTS: A SPECIAL SUMMER OUTING FOR ELDERLY SISTERS

Dementia, Mobility-Challenged, 90 year-old Sisters

Meet After Two Years for a Summer Outing

What better to enrich a parent's summer than a change of scenery!

Two cousins arrange for their elderly mothers (90 and 96), living two hours apart, to meet for lunch half-way between the cities where they live. One mother is mobility challenged, one has dementia. Sounds like a difficult summer outing; yet I'm told all went very well and the elderly sisters had such a good time.

This kind of outing takes special planning plus. Selecting a quiet location with a nice view, an hour's drive from each sister's residence was key. It limited driving time to two hours, broken up by lunch. Tuesday's post suggested parks with picnic tables and restaurants that were handicapped accessible. Public golf courses with nice dining facilities provide another option.

The daughters drove their mothers and each brought along a caregiver to help so everyone could relax more. The mobility-challenged sister's mind was sharp. The dementia-afflicted sister can identify everyone in a 50-year-old photo and enjoy what's happening at the moment, but forgets the latter quickly. A good time was had by all, with the daughters feeling especially happy about the success that their careful planning achieved.

While neither sister lived independently, both appreciated being taken out to see new things and have a meal. And, as we see, "When there's a will there's a way." Indeed when adult children can help aging parents who are burdened by these major challenges, it's a win-win for everyone involved.

So when we know our parents can get out--to see a doctor if nothing else, and if we want to give them a change and add enrichment to their lives--which takes planning and effort--Tuesday's post will provide additional details .

Please go to my blog helpparentsagewell.com Same blog, with photos and more "bells and whistles." Last details almost finished.

Summer Ideas for Getting Isolated-Feeling Parents Out of the House

Short Trip Ideas to Help Aging Parents Enjoy a Change of Scenery

Part One: General truisms and short outings

• If parents can get out to have you drive them to the doctor, they can manage these short trips.
• A change of scenery adds something to life; we know that. While we take for granted the many changes of scenery in our every-day-life, older people who don't drive and/or lack initiative often complain they "look at the four walls."
• Feeling "isolated" can make anyone "dumb down," lose interest, feel cranky.
• Inertia can easily set in--making an effort becomes too much of an effort.
• Or an invitation may provide a jump start.
• If an invitation to accompany you doesn't meet with enthusiasm or acceptance, trick them into going. How? Using the "I need your help" plea, have them accompany you on a quick errand, then add one of the suggested short trips. Or attach a short outing after the trip to the doctor's office.
• Provide something appealing to eat/drink--as simple as an ice cream cone or as elaborate as a meal.

I accidentally learned that next-to-last last truism when I took my--we-thought-almost-dying--mother for her first geriatric appointment at the teaching hospital. She went in like a limp rag. After tests and time with the geriatrician we wheeled her to the car, carefully seat-belted her in the back seat, and began the short ride home. We passed gorgeous rose bushes that mother noticed and quietly commented on. I asked if she had enough energy for me to drive her past some other homes with beautiful flowers and she said "yes, if you make it short." Voila!

Short Summer Outings:

A scenic and relaxing drive. Final destination could be a place to eat. Every city and town has a restaurant (sitting in a restaurant provides entertainment--people watching) and parks. (Check Parks and Recreation Department for picnic tables, other amenities and handicap access if applicable.) Possible sites: overlooking water, gardens, beautiful views. Nature is renewing.


Major botanical gardens, zoos, and museums often have facilities for lunch as well wheel chairs and are handicap accessible. Tailor length of visits to parents' needs (which obviously don't include waiting in long lines), so it makes sense to avoid the busy times.


Stimulation helps parents age well. Pulling an unmotivated parent out of a funk is a good feeling. We need to remember people change, not much. An unmotivated, cranky young person will no doubt be an unmotivated cranky old person. We cannot perform miracles--alas! But when parents feel better, don't we feel better.



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Aging Parent Safety: Taking Away the Car and the Keys--Maybe Not

Doors Unlocked

Burglar Alarm Off

Parents Happy

Children Concerned

Ninety-year-old Eloise always left one door unlocked. Easier for the paramedics to get in if she pushed the button on her alert pendant. The always-unlocked door worried her children but efforts to have Eloise change her ways were of no avail.

Eloise prided herself on hr independence and the fact that she had posted DNR signs in every visible location--should emergency personnel need to come to her home for something serious.

And then there was the peeping Tom. That frightened her and her 50-something year-old children. Nevertheless she was insistent--she couldn't work the burglar alarm, and needed to keep one door unlocked. The paramedics had been there before and no doubt would be there again.

What Do the Car and Car Keys Have to do With This?

If your parents are like mine were--and experienced the emergency vehicles, sirens etc. responding to their push of the burglar alarm company's button, they didn't want to go through it again unless they were dying. "The whole neighborhood was awakened. It was embarrassing."

Yet an acceptable alternative exists. Note the red panic button on the remote device that enables us to lock and unlock our car from afar. We've heard the awful noise pushing that panic button creates. What's better for frightening off a would-be intruder? (OK, I admit-- possibly an old person with "the shakes" pointing a loaded shot gun.)

Also a car in the driveway is a deterrent--signaling people of driving age are home. (One of our non-driving senior advisors has kept the car.) So taking the car away from non-driving parents may not be a good idea when we're trying to help them age well and give them protection. (Note: leaving the key may be unnecessary; the remote is necessary.)

Additionally, keeping the keys and remote in a place that's easy to reach from the bed at night and in an easy-to-get-to place (a pocket) when out of the home, makes the panic button a great asset for fending off bad people--at home, in parking lots--anywhere near the car.

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Helping Aging Parents and Aging Pets: Deciding--Is it Better/Easier for Us or Better/Easier for Them

Is it Better for Us or Better for Them?

This is not about the life and death of an aging parent; but then again, it is. Our 18-year-old cat was a parent of four before she came under our care—a stray one-year-old, who we found struggling to get suet we’d hung from a limb for the birds during the March 1983 blizzard. She came fleetingly and sporadically at first--to eat chicken I put out for her--and ultimately worked her way into our garage, our home, and our hearts.


She was fiercely independent; resisted any obvious help we tried to give for many years. Didn’t want Inclement weather or not, she wanted no help from us. She enjoyed roaming around our property but was accustomed to handling her own affairs. Only the food did she accept, but not if she thought we were watching (which we did through a window).


As she aged, her needs gradually changed. She gradually accepted more from us, on her terms of course. Protection from other animals, who sometimes ate her food, sent her into our heated garage when we put her food there. A cat door enabled her to come and go at will. And in winter she jumped up on a box near the radiator, where we immediately added a carpet remnant for her comfort. She kept us at arms’ length but obviously knew we were there for her.


When her life and limb were threatened after a cat fight, we trapped her and took her to the vet’s. He suggested she might be better as an indoor cat in another home—my husband and I took that to mean he thought I was a bad mother. But we knew this cat well. We tried putting her food in our kitchen. Not one paw would cross the threshold unless we left the back door to the outside or the door to the garage open for a quick get-away. She was miserable cooped up.


When another cat found the cat door and thus our cat’s food, she became secure eating in the kitchen with any door to the outside closed—until she was finished eating whereupon she meowed to leave. And of course, we complied.


During another bad winter three or four years ago, she decided to explore the main floor of our home and ended up sleeping on the carpet in front of a floor to ceiling window. It was then—at age thirteen or fourteen—that she started to become a house cat. While she spent as much time as she could outside, she came in to eat and sleep and began to let us pet her on a regular basis. She expanded her territory in the house until she had been in every room from basement to attic. She had favorite places to sleep, but never on the furniture. And catching her for her yearly check-ups at the vet’s became less of an ordeal.


We came home one March night and saw her sitting in the living room, looking out the floor to ceiling window. But she didn’t move—didn’t hear the door shut it seemed. We called her name, but she didn’t hear that either. At 18 years of age, we knew some aging event was taking place.


And so we learned she was almost deaf and had kidney failure. We were told we could give her fluids and it was easy to do. We tried—it was easy—but it involved holding the cat. Although she finally loved being petted, she never liked being held. And she evaded us for days after catching her and doing the fluid routine. So it came down to: is it better for her to live a little longer, feeling threatened by us that she would be given fluids; or should she live less long and feel secure.


I thought back to a friend’s 90-something-year old mother who liked to have a drink or two but wasn’t allowed because of a medication---whereupon she stopped the medications. When her child (my friend) asked my opinion, I put the question to her to answer. Live longer or live happier? Her mother continued to drink and lived a very long life. My friend helped her parent age well.


We watched out for our cat for 17 years. She died just outside the door to our bedroom the other night. And now she’s gone—leaving an unimaginable sadness. When you put a lot into something, it means a lot to you. And when you put even more than a lot into something, over time it penetrates and infiltrates every fiber of your being. Those who are dedicated caregivers know this.


We help aging parents; we help aging pets. And it’s very hard to say goodbye-- even when we’ve done our best and feel good that we let her (in this case) live life and ultimately leave life her way.


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Keeping an Eye on Older Parents to Help Them Age Well

New York Times, July 29, 2010 Heading:

"Monitoring Mom and Dad."

Caption beneath heading:"HOME TECH New products for aging in place."

"Big Brother,"--well actually grown children--adult brothers (and sisters) using technology to keep track of their aging parents' every--well almost every--move?? From afar?

According to yesterday's NY Times Home section, the technology to do just that is here. And the rationale for using it seems to be that it provides an option for older parents to age in place instead of in assisted living. Why? Because their children have the ability to monitor important specifics of parents' daily activities when at home. Much less expensive than assisted living. And can make children feel better connected.

"Aging in Place," and making cities more "senior friendly" are important aspects of Tuesday's post. And yesterday's Home section articles are so relevant, I'm writing this post a day early. The NY Times Home section's articles, understanding that most people want to age in their homes, introduces what will undoubtedly become big business: technology to help older people stay in their homes longer, even with issues that would normally signal "assisted living." This could be another breakthrough to not only help aging parents, but to help them age well.

I already have an email saying that Rye, NY's aging in place program is called "Sprye in Rye." I'm wondering how the Spry Rye Seniors view these articles and the various technological devices that keep an eye on seniors.

Link to the first article, then link to the technology article and tell us what you think.

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Note: You can now, I think, make comments on this blog. However, my replies don't work. And while I don't like to abandon an old lover (blogspot) and although it's not quite ready, visit my new site http://helpparentsagewell.com. Same blog, the comments and replies work, more bells and whistles, only photos and finishing touches remain to be done. I'd hoped to wait until everything was finished before asking you to switch over, but perhaps the time has come, especially if you want to read timely replies to your comments.
that said--

Reply to Inger
Thank you for your comment on Tuesday's post. "Adult day care" is clearly another option to help parents age in place, although I've never liked that term, do you? It seems diminishing--as if similar to child day care and doggie day care. Wouldn't it be great if there was a more dignified term? Yet my post today features "monitoring" parents from afar, which can also feel diminishing to anyone with pride. Bottom line: when something's mutually agreed upon (not forced upon) by parents and children it's a win-win. Good luck in your important work. Stay in touch. Susan

Is a Big City Apartment the Place to Age Well?

"Fast-Paced New York, Promising Safety and Comfort to Elderly"--NY Times-July 19, 2010
Where are the best living options for seniors?
and

What and are the best living options for seniors?

Different strokes for different folks, right? In our efforts to help parents age well, who knows-- based on things one can control--what will be best to help aging parents live out their lives.

A city

A small town
A place in a sunny climate

One's home/apartment (aging in place)

Living with children or relatives

A retirement /adult community

An independent living situation

Assisted living

Today I learned that a healthy, single woman in her 80's, left suburban N.Y. to move to a retirement community, in a small town with a highly regarded college. Well-educated, intelligent and with no family ties, she dedicated herself to searching out an affordable, appropriate option with the stimulation a college community offers; and found it 1,000 miles away.

Similarly Dad often told me that when he and mother "got old" he wanted to live in a college community--a small town with the energy and stimulation that youth (and college students) provide. He didn't want to be where everyone was old and getting old. No senior living for him. Mother, typical of that generation, followed Dad's lead.

He and Mother never went to that idealized small town. Yet he "aged in place" with help after Mother's death, when "aging in place" was a relatively new concept. Dad happily and proudly lived and died in the original home he and mother had built some 60 years ago, in a neighborhood bustling with young families. He knew everyone and they knew him.


R. (see sidebar) at 96 remains in her home of 60+ years,. She continues to age in place with a cleaning person for half a day, every other week. Clearly the oldest person on her street, many of the young families think of her as a family member. They are supportive. She treasures the friendships and independence.

Kiplinger's Personal Finance article, "THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME," informs us that the majority of people 60 and older prefer to grow old in their homes and their communities, according to an AARP survey. And a wide range of services is available to help them stay there. While "pricey," we learn the services are cheap compared to the monthly cost of an assisted-living facility.

Living in cities like New York (or other major cities with vibrant downtowns) provide seniors who enjoy city life almost everything. To my way of thinking, living in a New York apartment building is the best old age home. Reasons:

1. Young and old live in the building
2. It's not isolating
3. The superintendent fixes whatever needs fixing
4. Meals/food can be ordered and brought to the doorman. Someone will get it to you if/when necessary
5. Driving is unnecessary. Public transportation (bus, subway, taxi)--while facing cuts in service due to this economy--makes everything accessible
6. Stores, restaurants, entertainment, culture etc. are nearby
7. Very sick? The doorman can call a taxi, help you in it, and send it and you to the hospital of your choice.

True, every building doesn't have a doorman, but you get the idea.

The article following the NY Times headline at the beginning of this post discusses New York's initial efforts and well-thought-out steps to make it "age friendly" for senior citizens. For example, the traffic signals at over 400 intersections have been extended 4 seconds making it easier for older people to get to the other side before the light changes. Portland, Oregon and Cleveland were other cities cited as becoming more "aging-oriented" (my term). I know of an apartment building in Portland for seniors, close to downtown and transportation that has dining facilities. There are undoubtedly others. If you know of others please e-mail my gmail.

Living options for seniors have expanded far beyond old age homes and may be less expensive than assisted living even when using some added services. Taking the time to check things out will clearly help parents age well.

Also check out this blog on my new site--nearing completion with added "bells and whistles"--and it takes comments!