Aging Parents: To Drive or Not to Drive--Part 2

Help Parents Age Well by Driving--or Not? Important Links--read on..

“Perhaps the scariest road hazard is the one they don’t make a sign for.” The large bold type on the back cover of the August  2009 New Yorker caught my eye: The silhouette of a girl, leaning forward, hands on the steering wheel, pony tail flying fills a drawing--a yellow and black, road-hazard-shaped sign, with a smaller sign just below saying TEENS. I save the back cover.

If teenagers are “perhaps the scariest road hazard,” what about older drivers? We've read the research: drivers age 55 and older are 25% of the driving population but have only 1% of the accidents. AARP tells us that older drivers usually drive fewer miles each year than younger drivers, so we must consider that. Also the number of accidents per mile rises sharply at age 75, which may be why some think older drivers are scary.

The New Yorker back cover informs us that “teens make up only 7% of America’s drivers but account for 12% of all accidents,” elaborating “IN 2007 TEENS KILLED MORE THAN 3,000 PEOPLE IN OTHER VEHICLES.” With the goal of helping parents age well, which involves supporting self-esteem and not curtailing independence prematurely, how do adult children proceed?

Aging parents.  Teenagers.  Signs of dangerous driving.  Are we more likely to ground a teenager (whose whole life is ahead) but take away the keys and permanently change the life of an older person?  The consequences of unsafe driving are usually far more life-changing for the elderly. Also-- should one size fit all older drivers?

Unless there’s a threat to life and limb, when trying to help parents age well think “Make Haste Slowly.”  Having good information ahead of time, leads to informed decisions instead of knee-jerk reactions. Taking time to think things through avoids the sobering, life-changing reality of "taking away the keys" unnecessarily.

While my parents were alive, I was clueless about information and programs to help older people continue drive or conclude that they shouldn't.

Information I wish I'd known about:

AARP's site, http://www.aarp.org/home-garden/transportation/driver_safety/, with information about AARP's Driver Safety Course, (added bonus--usually a discount on auto insurance). A friend told his mother that he would take the course with her every year. As long as she passed, she could continue to drive--assuming no accidents. (She stopped driving at 98; they both took the course many times.) Check out other AARP information, ie. warning signs for when to stop driving-- http://www.aarp.org/home-garden/transportation/info-05-2010/Warning_Signs_Stopping.html, 


CarFit, http://www.car-fit.org/, sponsored throughout the country. Individual appointments are scheduled for a “quick comprehensive check” examining how well your car fits you (your parent’s car fits her/him).  End result: recommendations for car adjustments and adaptations, and a sheet of resources. I went to our woman's club one day, found "CarFit" was taking place in the parking lot, asked if there was time for me, and was surprised to find my mirrors weren't adjusted to give me the best range of vision.

Lastly, booklets: The Effects of Aging on Driving Skills, is excellent, free, and small. Downloadable from http://www.usaaedfoundation.org/ (phone 800-531-8159).

I also like The Older and Wiser Driver, http://www.aaafoundation.org/ Put "older and wiser and driver" in the search space, the brochure comes up or phone (202-638-5944).

The preceding may keep capable older parents, driving longer--safer.  When older people can continue to drive safely, they maintain their independence, their way of life. We know that. They feel good, so we feel good as we help parents age well.


Go to my new site: http:helpparentsagewell.com for additional information

Driving (or Not) Part 4

I’ve forgotten whether Dad’s driver’s license came up for renewal the year before or the year after his 90th birthday. What I do remember is the fact that it was renewed for 8 or 10 years!

Also surprising: Dad went to the DMV bureau in a smaller town (he lived in a city) 20 minutes away. It was easy to park there; they were nice. He had a habit of keeping his driver’s license and all credit cards, but one, hidden in the trunk of his car. As he began the renewal process he realized he didn’t have his soon-to-expire license and told the DMV person that it was in the trunk of his car; he’d get it. No problem--the computer could access data. He only needed proof of who he was. The only “document” that had his name: a Safeway Grocery Store club membership card in his pocket. Proof of ID accepted. Renewal granted.

Fact: Some older drivers (and others) drive under “ify” circumstances.
Fact: When it’s threatening to life and limb, prevention is key.
Fact: Parents resent being forced to do something, just as we would resent our children forcing us to do something.
Fact: The entities and agencies, you would expect help from, may be of little or no help.

We all agree that we must stop parents who drive dangerously, but how do we do it without straining family relationships? If you're an only child, it's your burden. If there are siblings and the majority or all agree, great! If you don't agree, see information in #4.

#1. What seems like a major problem, may be easily solved (could be medications or a case like Kim’s mother). Remind mentally able parents of this. By pulling then into the situation and saying the problem may be easily solved, it's respectful, empowering, and helps them buy into whatever may come. To rule out serious problems, with your parents agreeing and perhaps making the call, first consult the primary care doctor, which may lead to additional testing (eg. vision, neurological).

#2. If it’s not correctable, the doctor is in the best position to deliver the message. This is a huge loss, a chunk of life is being removed. Doctors have practice in delivering bad news and hopefully do it in a kind, objective manner.

#3. Many adult children have phoned police, insurance companies, DMV etc., in efforts to curtail parents’ driving, and the results vary. It’s sneaky, which is disrespectful and undermines self-esteem among other things. Understandably children usually don’t feel good about it. Only as a last resort, it may have merit.

#4. If we must deliver the no-more-driving message, how can we give facts, affirm our parents’ ability to participate in the decision-making and arrive at a no-more-driving result? If we're uncomfortable with that responsibility, a social worker experienced with the elderly can be a big help. Contact a local family counseling agency or an agency whose social workers specialize in geriatrics. It definitely won't be the first time they've helped adult children with this problem.

Driving (or Not) Part 3

Most of us think driving is necessary for our quality of life. No wonder we dread having the not-driving talk with our parents! If we can have this talk before driving is an issue we’re a step ahead. If we’re in crisis mode, it’s so much harder.

What follows are strategies and some information that I knew, wish I’d known or tried successfully with my parents.

I put older drivers in three groups: Those in the first group know themselves, are honest with themselves and quit driving when they should. They have pride and don't appreciate being told what to do. Denial characterizes the second group’s members, who don’t realize they’re bad drivers. Drivers in the third group are the most difficult. They’re not only bad drivers, but you can’t discuss anything with them. Today we focus on groups 1 and 2.

If your parent is in the first group like my father was, you’re lucky. Dad took the “Driving Miss Daisy” movie to heart; we had the driving discussion early. As a far-away-living adult child who believes in empowering, I found excuses to visit him every 4-6 weeks after Mother died. Once Dad turned 90 friends constantly pressured me to make him quit driving. (Age, you know.) I couldn’t see making my father do anything if there was no threat to life and limb. I did check his car for scratches, dents, or newly painted areas during each visit.(I would have done that regularly, even if I lived in the same town.) If we were going some place together, I always asked him whether he wanted to drive. He volunteered at least once each visit.

He stuck to the speed limit. Not over, not under. His depth perception was better than mine. He no longer had the radio on. “A distraction,” he said. Writing about it now I wonder if he surmised he was taking a driver’s exam with me. He was in control.

The second group is in denial. Denial exists without our even realizing it. It’s a psychological mechanism that keeps us from facing a reality we’re not yet ready to deal with. How do we speed up parents’ readiness to face reality? We can only try. An often successful start begins by saying “I need your help,” which pulls them in as a partner to the solution. We could explain that older drivers should know about resources that extend people’s ability to drive and offer information from the last post’s websites, or possibly an objective observation we’ve made of their driving or something connected to their driving; then see if anything resonates.

For example, my mother had a stroke. She recovered well, but her balance was shaky. She worried about falling. She still planned to drive. My kneejerk reaction was to tell her all of my reservations. Instead I said objectively that she could drive (true), and she could have lessons to boost her confidence or go with me to a large empty parking lot if she wanted to try that first. I also explained that she would have to be able to get in and out of the car by herself and maneuver her walker alone (reality). At first she said she wanted to try, but then decided there was too much effort involved. Perhaps because Dad was still alive to drive her, she never drove again.

“Driving (or Not)” concludes--honest!-- with the next post.