Downsizing: Energy, Organization, Loss, Change--For Aging Parents and For Us Too?

Tuesday's post presented today, Wednesday, June 29th

Downsizing to help aging parents? A sobering thought: in a way that might surprise you, it applies to us too.

Personal experience: I've been writing about helping parents age well for about a year now on WordPress--hoping that sharing my unpublished book/manuscript with the world will, increase the number of older people who age well, as well as my parents did and my mother-in-law does.

Rewind to last summer. My parents had died, my then 96-year-old mother-in-law was aging well out west, and my husband and I were settled in our home of many years, enjoying our routines. While some people were thinking of moving to Florida, thoughts of giving up our home didn't enter our minds.

I'd joked about a city apartment being the best place to age well. "When you're really ill, the doorman can call a taxi, dump you in the back seat," and tell the driver which ER to take you to," I'd laughingly say. Then someone at the NY Times read my mind, I guess, and addressed the subject  http://helpparentsagewell.com/2010/07/page/2/ 

Then our 18-year-old feral cat died.  We took it for granted we could never move while she was alive--although loving and loyal, the "feral" in her would not allow her to age well in a new environment according to every veterinarian who had contact with her.

Since I give careful thought to the ideas expressed in my posts. Suddenly it occurred to me, why not at least look at apartments in NY City---for the future of course. We were theoretically too young to have to move or even want to move.

But moving--we are; and selling our home--the "For Sale" sign goes up this weekend.  I'll skip the details of apartment hunting and how we ended up with what could be a perfect apartment but needs serious renovation that I had no inclination to do....but am presently doing.

Nevertheless, I want to talk about the major components of downsizing: Energy, Organization, Loss, Change as they impact aging parents and us. And I will try to post a bit each night, since large swatches of time are currently in short supply. Do check in.

Downsizing Aging Parents' Homes--2

Downsizing?  Moving to assisted living or a nursing home?How to best accomplished this as we try to help parents age well.

As we would expect, independent-living parents who decide by themselvesto make a move, leads to the best outcome. They maintain control.  They decide when and where and have full responsibility.  This doesn't mean adult children play no part.  They can can "weigh in" when asked, but don't run the show.  Suggestions may be particularly helpful to--and welcomed by--aging parents who move to be nearer their children and grandchildren.

"Partnering" is a popular concept.  While partnering with older parents to make this kind of decision sounds fine, it's tricky.  If children badger parents enough, chances are older parents lose the will to argue and give in to something they really don't want.  Result: if parents are unhappy, children end up with additional problems and wonder why parents agreed to the move in the first place.

This is undoubtedly why some unhappy, independent aging parents who may need a bit of help, have checked themselves out of assisted living, returned to living independently and figured out how to get the help they need.

Keeping independent-type parents' homes unsold/unrented until parents are comfortably and happily settled, prevents their being "trapped" in a possibly unhappy living situation.  It's a good solution, when affordable. Check out my post about Rodney's sobering--but true--story.

Yet some older people thrive in assisted living. They may have friends there. They may have felt isolated living alone and enjoy the socialization; or in the case of a friend's mother (whose husband dominated when alive), she loved the "assisted part"--prepared meals, amenities, the activities-- she was like a bird let out of a cage.

The biggest challenge: older parents who resist moving, but need to move because their needs can not be met otherwise. Given the situation, their doctor may be in the best position to explain to why moving is necessary.  Getting help from a geriatric social worker, who has helped families deal with this problem countless times, is another good option. If there's a threat to life and limb, sometimes there's no choice: we do what's necessary in a caring way that won't leave us with unnecessary guilt.

When we do our best to help aging parents, don't we ultimately help ourselves?  As we deal with these issues, two thoughts are worth keeping in mind:

1.  IS IT BETTER FOR OUR PARENTS OR BETTER FOR US?
and
2.  IS IT BETTER FOR OUR PARENTS TO DO "X" AND LIVE LONGER, UNHAPPILY OR
DO "Y" AND LIVE POSSIBLY LESS LONG, BUT HAPPIER?