Help Aging Parents: Discussing End-of-Life Issues

Discussing end-of-life issues with aging parents is uncomfortable for so many. Several previous posts discuss this, focusing on various aspects. For example, "Aging Parents, Adult Children: Control and End-of-Life Issues" (9/10/10) points out some of the reasons these discussions don't happen:

1. Denial on the part of parents and children (note: denial is an unconscious mechanism that keeps us from dealing with something until we are ready)
2. consciously not wanting to face the inevitable
3. superstition (if we talk about it, it may happen)
4. keeping children clueless (maintains parental control).

Dad was in his mid-80's. We needed to have this kind of conversation which I had thought about for quite a while. The question was how to begin. I don't remember exactly how I ultimately broached the subject, but after Mother began having tia's I managed to do it.

Fortunately the Wall Street Journal has just paved the way for such a discussion in an article aimed at older people, The 25 Documents You Need Before You Die (July 2, 2011). (Children in their 50's are used in the examples.) It is helpful, excellent information for aging parents. And therein lies our opportunity--or at least step one.

Our senior advisor, RHW, Esq., reviewed the article, thought it was very well done and offered one addition.  The article lists will, revocable trust, and "letter of instruction" as "The Essentials." While the Durable Financial Power of Attorney is mentioned as an "also" in the essentials paragraph, it is not an "also" in his opinion. 

He emphasizes "more than enything else the Durable Financial Power of Attorney can prevent the courts from having to appoint a guardian or conservator--an expensive and often cumbersome procedure." It is essential in giving parents control over who has this financial power and should be a 4th "essential."  You could mention that for starters--or not. Period.

A discussion about wills etc. needn't take place the moment we hand parents the WSJ article or (if they're WSJ subscribers) ask them if they've read it. We'll know, however, that they have good information at their fingertips. And isn't helping parents get their affairs in order part of helping parents age well? ......Of course we'll also know we've opened the door for future discussions.

Check out my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com  More information, same blog.

Aging Parents, Adult Children: Control and End-of-Life Issues (scroll down, you'll find the post)

The "12 Things Children of Aging Parents Should Know" post, assumes parents feel able to give up some control. It also assumes discussing wills and things pertaining to end of life will help aging parents and their adult children because of the practicality, even if it's not pleasant.

Part of the aging process involves a lessening of control that's out of an older person's control.  But older people can keep a significant amount of control if they make the effort. Thus, not divulging PINs and where bank accounts, valuables etc. are kept may be a matter of not wanting to relinquish control.

For some, discussing anything pertaining to their mortality is off-limits. Period.  (No problem. We give a solution at the end of this post.)  But isn't it interesting that, in an era when so many subjects are freely discussed, end-of-life issues remain awkward--even taboo--for many in both generations.

Our senior advisor, psychiatrist Dr. Bud, explains: "It can be superstition--fear that talking about end-of-life issues can put a hex, cast a spell, or cause something to happen.  Some shun this kind of conversation also because it stirs up fear of death."

Adult children, not their aging parents, may stonewall attempts to talk about planning for the last stage of life. They don't want to think about their parents dying. They can be in denial about the predictability of death, resist anything that hints at parents' death--even to the point that they don't want to accept a special heirloom-type gift or piece of art that elderly parents want to give their children to enjoy during their lifetime.

To help parents age well throughout the lifespan using the information listed in the "12 Things" post will save caring children time and stress.  If the information is not forthcoming during a parent's lifetime, however, our senior advisor attorney suggests that parents write a letter, explaining the location of those 12 important things.

The letter's envelope stating "Not to be opened until my death" should be kept with other important documents. There's the solution.

Although not as helpful as having the information while parents are living, such a letter will help aging parents ultimately make their children's lives easier; and will help adult children to better carry out their parents' wishes.

Please go to my new site: http://helpparentsagewell.com. Same blog, more information
and the spacing works.  The spacing here is not fixable.  I will soon be moving to the .com blog for good.