Aging Parents: Older Mothers and Nonmothers on Mother's Day

Sunday is Mother's Day as we know--a day we do more than just help aging parents. We celebrate mothers--old and young...and grandmothers and great-grandmothers and mothers-in-law.

I began thinking: What about important women in our lives who have no children to honor them? And what about the less organized among us who still need a last-minute gift that shows special thought and caring?

I was with a woman last week, a senior citizen who has no children or living parents although she has two nieces she thinks the world of. I asked if she and her husband had plans for this coming Sunday. Her reply: she hoped she would hear from her nieces. They had phoned on past Mother's Days. They lived in another state and she loved when they called--but of course, she couldn't be certain they would phone. That conversation generated a few ideas.

First, Mother's Day is our opportunity to let women--our mothers and others--know that they mean a lot to us. A phone call, mailed cards, flowers, candy--all can convey the message. And for older people, the importance of being remembered by someone other than children may be greater than we think. Three women--age range late eighties to 102--all with children and grandchildren, report for years they have received a Mother's Day card from one of their children's friends. That, they said, was extra special.

Second, two very different, last-minute gift ideas for mothers. Nether is "stuff." The first, in honor of your mother, make a contribution to a recognized charitable/nonprofit organization 501(c) (3) that is meaningful to her. The second is in the "help parents age well" category, connected with driving/transportation, exercise and stimulation.

One rather unusual, but worthy charity idea that may be "right' for certain mothers is a donation to Heifer International, A Heifer International email said in part:

Mothers go by many names:
Mom, Momma, Ma, Mati, Nay, Mzaa…
We have a few others:
Hen, Ewe, Cow, Sow, Doe.

This Mother’s Day celebrate your mother by giving one—a mother that will provide a new means of income and nutrition to a hungry family. The mothers of the world will thank you...Whatever gift you give through Heifer will be passed on, with proper training and tools, from one mother to another. Entire communities will be changed in your mom's honor.

I checked out the nonprofit organization with Dr. Viola Vaughn, Teachers College Distinguished Alumni from Senegal, who knew about its worthwhile work. Since I was thinking of donating a goat, we discussed goats and she explained how much they contributed to a family's being able to sustain itself. Clicking the Heifer link informs us that as little as $10 gives a share of a goat, (an entire goat is $120; $20 buys a flock of chickens etc.).

The second idea involves transportation, exercise, and stimulation, which take on more and more importance as parents age. Gifts that incorporate these aspects of living into an aging mother's life can be a real plus, if they don't already exist.

• First, check to see if/when a CarFit evaluation (sponsored by AARP and AAA) is available in your community then give your mother an IOU to accompany her to one. See additional safe-driving suggestions in my October post. Last month I was in a parking lot where a CarFit evaluation was going on; asked if they could take me without an appointment. They did. They check how well one fits into his/her car for safe driving and make suggestions: ie. seat cushions to elevate drivers who may have age-related "shrinking" that limits visibility, wider rear-view mirrors etc.
  

• Taxi script may be a welcome gift if mothers no longer drive or are hesitant about about driving.
  

• Or consider a gift membership to organizations like the "Y" which usually offer stimulating programs as well as exercise; or a gift certificate for an exercise program like Silver Sneakers that accepts medicare in many states (check it out) and helps older mothers stay fit and engaged.

Whatever we do to help aging parents on this day, mothers usually appreciate our efforts and--to reiterate from previous posts-- spending Mother's Day with children and grandchildren is the best.



PS It would be great--and helpful-- if you could share your thoughts on the gift ideas in these posts with me at the gmail address to the right.

Things Most Parents Won’t Tell Us… and Why

(Because of responses to Tuesday’s post, this replaces the planned "Food" post.)

The following situations and reactions are truly not exclusive to older people. We’d probably react the same way; but when older people are involved it's different, or does it just seem different? OK. Most parents won’t tell us--

--They’ve fallen. Reason #1 for a remarkable 88-year-old mother: PRIDE. By the time her daughter found out, her mother had fallen many times and bounced back to normal without anyone’s knowing; or if they knew, they’d been sworn to secrecy. This time she broke her 88-year-old hip. It turns out a simple corrective device, placed in her shoes, was all that was needed to solve the balance problem that caused the fall in the first place. But the solution came after enduring hospitalization and rehabilitation for her hip. While she’s still a spunky and amazing 88-year-old, it did “take her down a notch.”

Reason #2: for more older parents than we realize: FEAR--of being forced to give up their home and go to a place where their adult children think falls are less likely—be it moving from a home with stairs to a one-floor apartment or to independent or assisted living, or coming to live with their adult children (granted, much less likely today than it was in previous generations)

--They’ve had a driving incident. Reason: older parents FEAR they'll have to stop driving. This fear is very prevalent. But it but needn’t be if adult children are smart like Kim (Archives: Driving Part 1); rule out medical issues that prevent people’s driving; and know about resources that enable older people to drive well longer (Archives: Driving Part 2). If it's determined that parents are no longer qualified to drive, it will be based on solid evidence. On the other hand, it makes everyone's life easier and happier if safe-driving parents continue to drive (possibly aided by programs like CarFit, http://www.car-fit.org/), as long as it remains legitimate for them to do so.

--Their problems and concerns. Reason #1: THEY STILL FEEL PROTECTIVE TOWARDS THEIR CHILDREN and don’t want to burden them, especially if the adult children are dealing with problems of their own.

Reason #2: They DON'T WANT TO BE TOLD WHAT TO DO, they just want someone to listen and someone who they know cares, to bounce ideas off of.

And to a lesser degree, depending on their children's way of responding---

--What they’re doing. Reason: NO ONE WANTS A LECTURE or being told what to do, be they children, young adults or old adults. One independent-living, 80-something-year old father said: “I told my daughter I was going to the movie with a friend and immediately was told it wasn’t wise because of swine flu. Come on. Children and people with certain conditions and are most at risk and I’m neither.” Another 80-year-old sums up the feelings of many when she confidently says “I still think I can make my own decisions.”

Basically, it seems when parents have reached a certain age and consider themselves independent and able to make good decisions, some may be protective of their adult children and most—if not all—resent unsolicited, even if well-meaning, advice for the reasons above. There is a little poem in my yet-to-be published book that goes something like this:

Our children have knowledge of important things
Things that they think we should know
Forgetting we told them those very same things
When they were young-- years ago.

Something to think about.

Driving (or Not) Part 2

We know from the last post that older drivers have much better safe-driving statistics than teenagers. We also realize that the consequences of unsafe driving are usually far more life-changing for older people than for teens.

When adult children take the time to think things through, as in Kim’s mother's case, the sobering reality of “taking away the keys” (along with the unhappiness, loss of independence etc. that accompany it), is averted. We can’t say “avoided” because dangerous drivers can not be on the road and there’s always the possibility—for anyone actually— that in future years safe drivers could become unsafe drivers.

While my parents were alive, I was clueless about information and programs to help older people continue drive. Luckily my father had seen the movie “Driving Miss Daisy” while he was in his 70’s. He said he would never drive too long and I should let him know if/when I thought he should limit or stop driving. (He stopped himself some 20 years later; mother was a different story—more about that later.) Here's a sample of information that I wish I'd known about.

AARP has an excellent site http://www.aarp.org/families/driver_safety with valuable information, that includes taking the “55 Alive” Driver Safety Course, (added bonus--it may save on auto insurance), a Driving IQ test and warning signs for when to limit or stop driving. A friend of mine—when he turned 55—told his mother that he would take the course with her every year and as long as she passed, she could continue to drive if there were no accidents. (She stopped driving at 98; they both took the course many times.)

Then there is CarFit, a program that enables you to check how well your car fits you (or in this case how well your parent’s car fits her or him). Individual appointments are scheduled for a “quick comprehensive check.” Recommendations for car adjustments and adaptations, as well as a list of resources, are then given. The easy-to-use website (http://www.car-fit.org/) provides all the information you need.

Finally there are booklets. Check out The Effects of Aging on Driving Skills, an excellent, free, small booklet offered by the USAA Educational Foundation. It’s downloadable from the website. http://www.usaaedfoundation.org/ (phone 800-531-8159). I also like The Older and Wiser Driver, http://www.aaafoundation.org/ (202-638-5944). Just write: "older and wiser and driver" (without quote symbols) in the search space and the brochure comes up.

I find the above helpful for keeping older parents, who are capable of driving, safe and “in the driver’s seat.” And that expression is actually appropriate. When older people can continue to drive safely, as you well know, a huge aspect of their independence and feeling of control stays in tact. They feel good and we don’t have the additional responsibility of getting them from place to place. So we feel good.

Next post: the “(or Not)” conclusion to my driving posts.