Help! Aging Parents

Stimulation and Connections Enhance Seniors' Lives-- 6 Suggestions

2012-02-18T20:51:00.000-08:00

1. A Little Help From My Friends....

A quick call to my friend, Linda. "Any chance you're free Friday or is that your bridge day?"

"You're sort of right--sometimes it's my bridge day and it will be this Friday. Jackie's mother is almost 90 and loves to play bridge. So I play bridge with Jackie and her mother --not every Friday--but when I'm asked and that's this Friday."

.....Without Overloading Friends

How thoughtful of Jackie...towards her mother as well as towards her friends. Linda doesn't give up time every Friday. No doubt Jackie, the daughter does, but involves different friends in such a way that she doesn't over-impose on their Fridays.

Meanwhile, Jackie's giving her elderly mother something priceless, something special to look forward to--time with her daughter and several other women on Fridays. This not only provides togetherness, socialization, and all the good that accompanies it (fresh ideas, connections) but stimulation for the brain as well.

2. Games

Yet games needn't be confined to bridge to stimulate the brain.........continued on my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY FROM HELP! AGING PARENTS

2012-02-13T22:54:00.000-08:00

Wishing you and your parents a

Happy Valentine's Day

from

Help Parents Age Well's Blog

Help! Aging Parents

Career, Aging Parents, Caregiving--Part 3: Clarigying the Quandary

2012-02-12T23:58:00.000-08:00

“My elderly parents were the priority and I devoted myself to their needs. For example, it meant so much to them to know they would be able to be driven to anything. I never let them down. For over a decade their evening social engagements as well as other commitments took precedence over plans my husband and I had and over plans with my friends....."

Please visit my other site for the remainder of this post: http://helpparentsagewell.com/2012/02/12/career-aging-parents-caregiving-part-3-clarifying-the-quandry/

Linkedin? Aging Parents? Caregiving?=Quandry: Part 2

2012-02-12T23:48:00.000-08:00

Only children. The Lone Ranger wasn’t “lone.” He had a sidekick, Tonto! 24/7 caregiving by one person isn’t conducive to good physical or mental health over an extended period. (Forget any thoughts of an additional day job.) Find out, before problems arise, if other family members can help out. Also check with good friends and your parents’ neighbors. (See preceding, sometimes we get lucky.

Please go to my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com to view entire post.

Linkedin? Aging Parents? Caregiving?=Quandry

2012-02-07T20:56:00.000-08:00

Can Careers and Caregiving Exist Together?

I receive invitations to join Linkedin from former professional colleagues and current "fellow" (seems like a sexist adjective, but?) board members. Although I'm no longer working, I'm well aware of the difficulties juggling career and caregiving entail.....

Is that why an invitation to join Linkedin--for those of us with aging parents--can elicit a yearning? Or if we're already Linkedin, do we dare sneak a peek at the site without a pang of regret?

Please visit my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com to view remainder of this post.

Help Aging Parents With Simple Creativity on Valentine's Day

2012-01-31T20:00:00.000-08:00

Think Valentine's Day. It's the opposite of aging parents--youth, lovers, girlfriends, boyfriends. Do you remember how exciting Valentine's Day was when you were a teenager and young adult?

Perhaps the following, from a grandmother in her late-80's, sums up most older people's expectations for Valentine's Day: "In my younger days I sent Valentines to my 4 children and their children--my grandchildren. I'd put a few dollars in the grandchidren's Valentine. But I haven't done it recently--there are so many grandchildren and great-grandchildren now."

When I asked what she'd like for Valentine's day she laughed and said, "Any time someone thinks of you--it's nice. It would be nice to get a Valentine in the mail, but I'm not expecting any."

To read the entire post go to my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com

10 Edible Valentine's Day Gift Ideas for Aging Parents

2012-01-29T21:21:00.000-08:00

Older people--aging parents and grandparents--welcome something special to please their taste buds--especially when they no longer drive, have less money for luxuries or just enjoy indulging. That's why serious indulgences (things they probably wouldn't buy for themselves) plus a few healthy indulgences make perfect Valentine's Day gifts.

Visit my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com to view the rest of this post.

Aging Parents: Over-stressed, Caring Children

2012-01-25T23:14:00.000-08:00

“Stop the world, I want to get off.”
A feeling of over-stress? A cry for help? A need for respite?
A needed vacation from aging parents?

Are caring readers of Help! Aging Parents as good to themselves as they are to their aging parents?

Often, it seems, the time when we are most stressed and need a break is when aging parents are in a somewhat “ify” state (but not in crisis), especially if it’s going on and on.

To read entire blog please click link to my other site:http://helpparentsagewell.com/2012/01/25/aging-parents-over-stressed-caring-children/

"Pushing" Aging Parents to do More Than They Can or Want To Do

2012-01-21T12:40:00.000-08:00

Do we force/cajole/implore/push our aging parents–more than we should–to do what we’d like them to do to maintain their quality of life…ignoring the possibility that they’re weary of coping and depleted of energy?

Visit my other site http://helpparentsagewell.com/2012/01/21/pushing-aging-parents-to-do-more-than-they-can-or-want-to-do/ for the rest of this post

Aging Parents and the Airport Body Scanner

2012-01-18T00:23:00.000-08:00

Having parents and grandparents come for a visit is usually very special for far-away-living children and grandchildren. To ensure the travel process isn't derailed by unpleasant experiences, we want to be certain they are aware of the bulleted facts above... travel information to help parents and grandparents age well.

To view entire blog, visit my other site:http://helpparentsagewell.com/2012/01/17/aging-parents-and-the-airport-body-scanner/

Aging Parents and Airports: Happy Flying or headache-producing Part 2 (of 2)

2012-01-15T00:31:00.000-08:00

Body Scans and Body Searches

I worry about old people, who must endure a body search, for several reasons: First, they can easily have a crunched-up, forgotten Kleenex (if not their boarding pass) in a pocket that puts them into the body-search mode........

......continued on my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.wordpress.com/2012/01/14/aging-parents-and-airports-happy-flying-or-headache-producing-part-2/

(if not their boarding pass)

Aging Parents: What's Elderhood

2012-01-10T13:49:00.000-08:00

We know childhood and adulthood; but do we know "elderhood?"

The goal of Help! Aging Parents is to enable relatively healthy, aging parents--who live independently--to stay that way as long as possible and age well. But I've wondered when "as long as possible" ends. Clearly it doesn't end the moment aging parents are incapacitated by health issues....

I'd never heard of "elderhood," a term coined by geriatrician Dr. Bill Thomas (MD from Harvard Medical School) --until I watched and listened to an almost 26 minutes New Hampshire PBS video interview with him.

"Elderhood" follows adulthood and involves further growth that so many fail to recognize. Understanding the concept can help us help our parents age well. That's why I'm including the video link, which I urge you to watch and listen to.

Dr. Thomas's philosophy challenges the traditional concept of institutional care centers and home care. His ideas encompass relationship changes (mother-daughter, husband-wife etc.) and liberating ourselves by getting past our idea of being the indispensable caregiver; acknowledging the value of caregiving as a partnership; opening our eyes to the untapped richness of elderhood.

To view entire post please visit my other site:

http://helpparentsagewell.com/2012/01/08/aging-parents-whats-elderhood/

Aging Parents and Airports: Happy Flying or Headache-producing? Part 1 (of 2)

2012-01-10T13:28:00.000-08:00

Announcements, Baggage, Body Scans (and screening), Check-in

It's always heartening when most older parents want to visit. It's especially so when we can share our lives with them on our turf if we are far-away-living children. But we all know airline travel has become more difficult. As airport security changes, even the most seasoned old travelers can find themselves flustered. Understandably feelings of insecurity accompanied by rising blood pressure can't help parents age well.

I'd like to be clever, calling this the ABC's of happy flying, but chronologically the process goes in reverse--beginning with check-in; ending in announcements, with baggage and body scans (and screening) in the middle. That said three experiences illustrate some of the problems, accompanied by ideas for damage control.

Please view my other site:
http://helpparentsagewell.com/2012/01/10/aging-parents-and-airports-happy-flying-or-headache-producing-part-1-of-2/ for the rest of this post.

Help Aging Parents: Their Private Thoughts as 2011 Ends and 2012 Begins

2012-01-01T21:01:00.000-08:00

"With the new year approaching, what are your thoughts about the past year and the upcoming new year?"

This question was asked of a sampling of aging women, whose introspective, candid responses offer insights into sadness, concerns, resignation and hopes. Some live independently in their homes; others in assisted living. While the contrast is understandable, it surprised me initially.

"It was a wonderful year because I kept well and mobile, which is important not only to exist, but to live. I hope I get through to another new year--the future can close in on you. Not everyone can live to be 100." (86)

"All I know is you have to hope and pray things will get better. The country is so torn apart. I try to live my life in such a way that I still am in charge and I'm still involved. But there's a certain amount of fear that I will lose this independence." (90's)

"Christmas (December) isn't the greatest time to be an older person. Cards come in from friends--some aren't well, then a card comes from only Jean--not Jean and Richard and I realize Richard had been ill and has obviously died....

        There's a melancholy about the past--you have more memories than you
        have plans. You know certain things aren't practical, possible. Big chunks
        of things that make life happy aren't there any more...I push it out of my
        mind, telling myself how lucky I am...I must draw on the resources I have.

         So I look forward to the new year when things return to normal and I
         volunteer at the church and do another volunteer job. A big part of life is
         plans and future. Without plans, a date on a calendar doesn't mean
         anything." (early 80's)

"The world is---ugh! I don't like listening to the news. And lately I've heard of so many people I know falling. You don't know what's going to happen next." (89)

"It's not comfortable living in this world with all of its problems. Some nights I go to bed and don't want to wake up. Looking forward: I'm concerned about my children--will they remain close, how will they be after I go." (83)

"My husband is very ill." Looking forward: "I'm hoping he passes away before I do because he couldn't handle things alone." (78)

"I feel like I've been put here by my children." Looking forward: "I worry about my grandchildren's future...the kind of world it will be."

"I'm lucky I got this far (after serious health issues) and got to meet my new great- grandchild...and hope I'll be around to watch her grow next year. I'm feeling sorry for myself--I ended up here. I don't like feeling this way. Then I look at the picture of that beautiful baby and I'm glad I'm here." (86)

As we make our New Year's resolutions, the above may provide ideas when thinking about helping our aging parents. There's uncertainty ahead as always, but perhaps more of it in today's world for both young and old....but then again, there's also hope. May 2012 be a good year for you and your aging parents as we try to help parents age well.

(PS. The first 4 responses are from people living independently; the last 4 are from those in assisted living.)

Aging Parents: Lifting the After-Christmas Let-Down

2011-12-26T22:29:00.000-08:00

What happens after an event takes place, an event that we’ve been anticipating–hearing about well in advance? We are left with the emotional residue–wonderful or not so wonderful, depending. Regardless of the event, it happens (present tense). Then it’s over. Ended. Done.

5 Suggestions for Understanding and Elevating
the After-Christmas Let-Down

Continued on my other site. Please go to http://helpparentsagewell.com

Aging Parents Visiting for the Holidays: Pain or Pleasure

2011-12-24T08:49:00.000-08:00

Demanding mother, cigar-smoking father, less-than-enthusiastic spouse=Nightmare?

“Holidays are a time for family.” How often we hear this. When immediate family includes children young enough to believe in Santa and delight in the Chanukah celebrations there’s a certain quality that’s infectious. Ideally three generations enjoy a warm and fuzzy togetherness. But……….?

Time to call upon our senior advisor psychiatrist, Dr. Bud.

Visit my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com for the rest of this post--Happy Holidays!

Help Aging Parents With a Night Drive to See Holiday Lights

2011-12-20T21:02:00.000-08:00

In a world of unrest and uncertainty the colors and twinkling of the holiday lights on homes seem–in a way– protective, signaling all is well within. And so I tried–and successfully found–the same streets as last Christmas eve. And we were rewarded as we drove slowly–block after block.

My friend’s macular degeneration necessitated her no longer driving–---

--to view complete post please visit my other website: http://helpparentsagewell.com

Aging Parents-Set In Their Ways: Can They Change?

2011-12-12T23:08:00.000-08:00

Set In Our Ways? Creatures of Habit?
Open to Change?

I remember, when I was very young, overhearing my dad's concerned conversation about his widowed sister's not being interested in remarrying. As I recall he said something to the effect that if she waited too long, she'd be set in her ways, and then she'd never remarry.

At that age all I knew was Cinderella, pictures of beautiful brides, and Prince Charming. How could she not want to remarry? What was "set in her ways?"

Visit http://helpparentsagewell.com to view the rest of this post.

Aging Parents and Older People: Moving

2011-12-07T21:23:00.000-08:00

Her father had early dementia in his early 90's. At that time she gently discussed whether or not he thought a different living situation would make sense. It was too soon for him, but the idea was planted. A few years later when he could still think clearly some of the time and she could capture the moment, she again broached the question. His response: "I don't want to give up being the boss yet." That's it, isn't it? Pure and simple.

Please visit http://helpparentsagewell.com, my other site for the rest of this post.

Stocking Stuffers for Seniors

2011-12-04T20:08:00.000-08:00

Six suggestions for inexpensive gifts that help parents age well

1. A wide-ish rubber band (often found around produce like celery) that can be stretched around something that’s hard-to-unscrew like a little bottle cap or a jar lid of any size. Unlike the contraptions or rubber disks one can buy, this costs nothing, takes up no room, is easily replaced when worn out or lost and gives the gripping power most older people are losing…or have basically lost.

Visit my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com to view the rest of this post.

Holiday Gifts for Aging Mothers--Part 1

2011-11-28T09:37:00.000-08:00

There's a never-worn St. John knit hanging in my closet. Normally a very pricey label, it was so inexpensive (these are the "buys" you can find in NY) I couldn't resist getting it for my mother years ago--her size, her color, two piece. But she never wore it. Why? At age 83, she tactfully told me that she didn't wear short sleeves because of flabby arms. Who knew?

Something to think about when selecting clothing: our aging mothers' particular wants and needs, as well as challenges. Can can they button and unbutton easily? What about hooks and eyes? clasps to necklaces? things that zip, button in back etc. etc. Do they want to downplay/hide certain parts of their body?

Senior advisor R, 98, has always had success with catalogs. And she always looks well-put-together. Check out the following favorite catalog sites--not aimed at older women but with today's styles appropriate for older women. Do this with your mother if you want to entertain her a bit. There's what counselors call "a hidden agenda" here. You also find out what your mother likes/wants and can easily order it later.

Please visit my other site: helpparentsagewell.com to read post in its entirety.

Gifts to Aid Reading for Seniors with Low Vision:An Additional Post for Black Friday and beyond

2011-11-25T15:43:00.000-08:00

With Black Friday upon us, these 3 gift options can make reading easier for aging parents. Carefully check out their specific attributes.

Please visit my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com for entire post.

Aging Parents and Thanksgiving

2011-11-23T09:40:00.000-08:00

As we all know and have seen documented so many times, “connections with others” is one of the most important factors in aging well. Thanksgiving connects the generations by just being together as well as through conversation. It also provides opportunities to contribute–in large or small ways–which especially makes older people feel worthwhile, needed. And isn’t that a priceless gift.

Dad could never make the pumpkin chiffon pie that Mother continued to make in her mid-80′s. But Dad could string that cranberry necklace up until his last Thanksgiving at age 94. With warm wishes for a Happy Thanksgiving.

Please visit my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com for the complete post.

Do We Expect Too Much of Aging Parents

2011-11-21T10:59:00.000-08:00

Why Some Make the Effort, While Others Don’t

Senior Advisor, 98-year-old R, discussed this over dinner at a restaurant the other night. She highlighted how much harder it is to do every-day things with each passing year and the discipline and mental motivation involved–even for those who have (to use her mother’s term) “a good head on their shoulders.”

Please visit my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com to read complete post

Moving From Home Leads to a Holiday Gift Idea

2011-11-05T22:22:00.000-07:00

Our moving day is fast approaching. There’s always so much more to do than one anticipates. Thinking about aging parents and elderly people going through this process makes me wonder how they do it......

Please visit my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com to see this entire post.

Aging Parents: A Happy Surprise and Flower Power

2011-11-02T22:14:00.000-07:00

I think this decorated pumpkin could be given to anyone--old or young, in a care facility or living independently--between now and Thanksgiving. Just glue-gun a little turkey or on top--and use some dried wheat, perhaps....

Please visit my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com for entire post.

When Aging Parents Do Become Old: Is There a Tipping Point?

2011-10-24T09:14:00.000-07:00

Senior Advisor, R, recently told me she now felt “old.” Most would say “she’s 98. She should feel old.” Yet I truly believe that wasn’t the case until she recently expressed that new feeling, caused by: a cane.

Please visit my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com to see this post

Easy Outings for Mobility-Challenged Aging Parents and Others

2011-10-18T22:32:00.000-07:00

Please visit my other site for this post:
http://helpparentsagewell.com/2011/10/18/6-easy-outings-for-mobility-challenged-aging-parents-and-others/

Aging Parents and Medications: Missed or Mixed up?

2011-10-09T19:06:00.000-07:00

Even scarier is the fact that elderly people in their own homes can become confused and forget if the red pill is for hives and the green pill is for heart or vice versa. Click on this website which displays a color picture of every medication you search (it’s easily printed).

Please go to my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com to continue....

When Aging Parents Should Move From Their Homes

2011-10-04T21:38:00.000-07:00

Do you know the optimum age at which parents should move?

Clue: It's a wake-up call.

Please view first part of this post on my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com.

Aging/Elderly Parents: Self-Esteem--Vulnerable

2011-10-02T13:26:00.000-07:00

Weddings and bridal showers are usually intergenerational events. The celebratory feeling during that time gives old and young the opportunity to easily interact, sharing--for a brief period-- a commonality most of us have experienced.

My friend's mother--86, independent and in-charge--had a diminishing experience at her granddaughter's bridal shower, an experience even my friend, Katy (a perfect aging parent's daughter) couldn’t have anticipated.

Continued on my other site:http:helpparentsagewell.com

Saturday's Post Postponed Until Sunday 10/2/11

2011-10-01T20:08:00.000-07:00

Until tomorrow......

Does Helping Parents Age Well Include Helping Parents Die Well?

2011-09-28T21:15:00.000-07:00

Please go to my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com for this blog.

Tuesday's Post Delayed Until Tomorrow 9/28/11

2011-09-27T20:23:00.000-07:00

A 97-year-old, dear friend died this weekend. Far-away-living children stayed with us as a result which was good for all of us. Tomorrow I think I will address the question: Does Helping Parents Age Well, Include Helping Them Die Well? Until then......

Aging Parents: Slowing Down? Struggling to Keep Up?

2011-09-24T19:37:00.000-07:00

“Older people don’t want to be rushed”
(by their children or anyone else)

We heard it in last Saturday's post, from an organized, "with-it," 98-year-old parent who values maintaining control. So we aren’t clueless. But it’s a “heads up.” When doing things with older parents–even with parents who live orderly, organized lives–we need to allow extra time so we don’t need to rush, subjecting ourselves–and them–to more pressure than already exists.

See entire post on my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com

Staying Connected. Remaining Engaged. Relevant Video for Aging Parents and Us

2011-09-20T08:34:00.000-07:00

Reading about the importance of connections and being engaged is one thing. Watching and listening to this 101-year-old woman, makes the case in a real way--instructive for helping parents age well (and instructive for us too).

Please go to my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com

Aging Parents: Slowing Down? Struggling to Keep Up? Rigid?

2011-09-17T19:52:00.000-07:00

We notice parents slowing down.
They take more time to do things.
Does their snail’s pace drive us crazy? Do we make them crazy if we try to rush them?

In a fast-paced world of multi-taskers, aging parents can seem out of step–literally. At a certain point we realize they walk slower, drive slower, think slower, ponder longer. Some who were formerly quick decision-makers may seemingly take an eternity to make a decision. It simply takes longer for them to get things done.

To be continued tomorrow……on my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com

A Truly Inspirational 98-year-old’s Birthday and Wisdom

2011-09-13T23:02:00.000-07:00

The best example of aging well: a model (and mentor)
for adult children

Please visit my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com
for this post

Do We Push Aging Parents Too Much?

2011-09-11T02:54:00.000-07:00

Please read blog on my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com

Why Computer Literacy for Aging Parents--How to Start Them Our Right

2011-09-07T20:58:00.000-07:00

Posted on my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com

Tuesday's Post Delayed Until Tomorrow

2011-09-06T20:57:00.000-07:00

Why Aging Parents Who Work Should Use Computers

2011-09-03T21:12:00.000-07:00

Heads up if you work in your older parents’ business and they depend on you for all things computer

As readers know we are renovating an apartment with a building-imposed renovation deadline of September 16th–less than 2 weeks away. Our highly regarded, renovation company may not meet it. True, there have been unforeseen problems that caught everyone off guard, yet the major problems could have been quickly and capably handled if the older generation (founders of the company, still working with their technologically capable boomer sons) instinctively thought “computers” instead of writing in longhand.

I’ve posted about 60-year-olds who cavalierly say they don’t use a computer and don’t plan to–that their children do anything that involves a computer for them. If we raised our children doing for them instead of teaching them to do for themselves, wouldn’t we–in effect–be crippling them?

These older dads are so accustomed to depending on their sons for anything involving a computer, that they’re oblivious to the wasted time and significant errors they themselves generate.

Think: handwriting selections and sizes for cabinets knobs, handles, colors, tile selection etc. etc. which then get lost or misread and need to be redone–again in longhand.
Think about needing to make changes in a kitchen plan, then needing to phone to get information for Fed-Exing those plans because the aging parents don’t realize that plans can be technologically reduced and emailed or faxed almost instantaneously. One man who can email (when he remembers to check his emails) says he’ll take a just-reworked plan home to his wife, who he thinks can reduce and email it.
And finally (no, not really, but I don’t want to bore anyone with too many examples) what about the oven unit where specific dimensions from floor to top of bottom oven and to top of upper oven are emailed….. and the top oven comes with the opening too high up to reach? The older dad must have forgotten to forward my email, with specific oven dimensions to the cabinet company.

Why? Because this older man–not a bad person, in fact a very nice person–has never made technology use part of his daily life. I think he relies on his memory (probably more accurate in the old days) and forgets there’s something in writing awaiting him on his computer (which probably no one has ever organized for him).

My followers know I have great empathy for older people/aging parents. And I’m not really certain it’s the fault of mentally able aging parents if they haven’t progressed technologically. If their children do it for them, why should parents bother to learn? (If we did things for our children how could they have learned?)

The two founders of the company are guiding the work on our apartment. One has no computer knowledge; the other, mentioned earlier, has a computer he is rarely disciplined about using. Clearly these men think they’re doing their best but in today’s world they can’t deliver as quickly or as accurately. Sadly their Boomer sons aren’t helping.

To help parents age well, we need to equip them for this century if we want to help them remain “in the game.” It’s even more important if they are in business and rely on us (adult children) to do the technological part. Helpful as that may seem, it doesn’t help; it cripples.

It’s sad to see fine older men needing to apologize, scrambling to come up with quick fixes, and laughingly saying these problems are “giving them a heart attack.” Indeed most of the problems could have been avoided if–from the start–they were comfortable using a computer. In the next post we’ll address: teaching older adults how to use a computer.

A Fun Evening Outing for Aging Parents and You

2011-08-30T21:02:00.000-07:00

Please visit my other site http://helpparentsagewell.com to see this post

Cell Phones vs. Alert Pendants if Seniors Should Fall

2011-08-25T04:32:00.000-07:00

Please visit my other site-- http://helpparentsagewell.com

Capable Adult Children: Stressed…………….. Decisions: Hastily Made……………………. Independent Aging Parent: Unnecessarily Damaged

2011-08-21T05:39:00.000-07:00

Please visit my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com for this post

83-year-old Woman Driver Uses Her Wit

2011-08-16T18:55:00.000-07:00

PLEASE VISIT MY OTHER WEBSITE: http:helpparentsagewell.com Same blog, additional resources.

The Right Cane for Aging Parents

2011-08-13T19:58:00.000-07:00

Please read this blog at my other site: http:helpparentsagewell.com

Aging Parents and Loneliness

2011-08-09T23:07:00.000-07:00

Please visit my website: http://helpparentsagewell.com for today's blog

Aging Parents and Depression: Promising Research?

2011-08-08T07:53:00.000-07:00

Please visit my other site:

http://helpparentsagewell.com

Thank you.

Inadvertently Diminishing Aging Parents

2011-08-03T08:06:00.000-07:00

Beware! Diminishing, Demeaning--Undoubtedly Making Older People Feel Like Excess.

Do we cringe when someone diminishes an aging person? Do we even notice? (For me, it's like someone running their fingernails over one of those old, chalk blackboards of our youth.)

Once sensitized, we realize it's a common daily occurence, although possibly unwittingly. Let's look at 3 examples.

1. Many people assume if you're old, you can't be treated like a normal functioning human being. I don't think it's mean-spirited, it rather seems like a given that accompanies aging. Is it thoughtless or a response to a stereotyped idea of older people?

While, there's no strong lobbying voice yet to create the awareness that it's not politically correct, I'm guessing things will change as Boomers age a bit more, .

In the meantime, be aware of the many alert, mentally capable elderly people whose lives are unintentionally diminished by unthinking people--trying to be helpful when unnecessary, talking unnaturally to them assuming they don't understand or can't hear (you'll think of other things) and try to reduce possibilities for your parents.

2. What's in a name? How often do caregivers and others call older people by diminishing names? Honey, Sweety, Dear, Darling. I think of Sidney Potier in The Heat of the Night saying: "They call me Mr. Tibbs," after being addressed as "boy" by a southerner in the movie. Many older parents hesitate to correct people, especially when they depend on them as caregivers or hospital staff.

I think of a good friend's mother who, for her entire life, wanted to be addressed as "Mrs. Miller." A fine line existed that no one should cross if they wanted a relationship with-- and/or cooperation from--her. That fine line included anything that diminished dignity and unearned familiarity fell into that category.

As she aged and grew more fragile, trips to "emergency" increased. With each visit, the first thing her son made clear was to call her "Mrs. Miller." She required that respect; they needed to comply.

In the same vein, I recall a college rep from California visiting East Cost high schools. She was worried--because she was away and her mother was hospitalized--that someone would call her "Honey" or "Sweetie" and her mother would cave into the diminished feeling and not make the needed effort to recover from a serious health event.

3. Older people in wheel chairs don't escape being diminished, in fact often they're treated like they aren't even there when accompanied by a younger person.

I think about Katy's mother who, in her late-80's, needed a wheel chair when there was a lot of walking involved. She was a smart, with-it woman, married to a judge. Katy noticed that if they were going shopping, for example, the "sales associate" would address remarks to Katy, even though Katy's mother initiated the conversation. Katy reports this occurred in doctors' offices, at hospital registration, you name it.

Contrast this to going taking our smart, with-it teenager (who's in a wheel chair for some not-observable reason) shopping. If he/she initiates a question, our teenager is answered, the clerk doesn't look past the teenage to answer us. Check it out!

When we find ourselves involved in a Katy's-mother-type experience think about Katy's response, "You know, Mother asked the question." It's a good model.

It nicely redirects the conversation to her mother so the mother maintains self-esteem and the sales person or whoever is aware of the competent elder person he/she should be speaking to. (And even if he/she doesn't "get it" completely, our parent isn't demeaned by exclusion from the conversation.)

We are so often on fast-forward that these diminishing experiences can be easily ignored. But older parents, who usually have less going on in their lives and therefore may attach greater significance to things we hardly notice, say: "It chips away a little at a time." Obviously to help parents age well, we don't want them to feel "chipped away."

Visit my other site: htttp://helpparentsagewell.com. Same post, more informative tabs.

Aging Parents' Secrets: Tips for Getting Parents to Dislose Them

2011-07-30T22:00:00.000-07:00

Aging parents' secrets. Paving the way for them to share with us.

"If parents keep secrets, they may well feel guilt about it," according to Dr. Bud, our Senior Advisor psychiatrist. Confiding in someone can rid them of guilty feelings--be it someone outside the family or a family member if they feel the latter is safe and "coming clean" won't result in forced moving to assisted living, being car-less, or worse.

In my July 24th post, we learn that an 88-year-old woman suffered numerous falls, without telling supportive family members, and ultimately a broken hip. All caused by poor balance that a device in her shoe would have easily corrected. We learned some of the reasons in that post.

Tips to encourage secret sharing:

Mindset: think "tuning in to the age--to the stage in life--to the degree of their concern and our concern; realizing maybe it's also aging parents' concern, but they don't want to talk about it," suggests Dr. Bud.

Next look for opportunities--perhaps in other people-- that "open the door" for discussing commonly-held senior secrets. Simply using anecdotes about others will convey your empathy, compassion and your aversion to quick judgments and knee-jerk reactions.

Three examples of conversation starters:
empathy
1. Hearing about someone: "I saw your friend, Edith, the other day. She's now using a walker. It must be really tough on Edith....."
information
2. "Jim called me this morning. Said he didn't sleep well last night. He made someone a promise it's not correct to keep, and it's bothering him because it's something the family needs to know--it involves an older person's well-being. He's really in a tough spot."
thinking out loud
3. "I was getting out of the car. An older woman--older than you, Mom, fell then got herself up; and it occurred to me is she going to tell someone or is she afraid? And I thought about you and checking these things, and would you be able to tell me if it were you?

When we construct these scenarios, it helps aging parents understand not only their own fears but our sensitivity to them. And when older people can confide secrets, they get through the guilt or fear or feelings of foolishness (can acknowledge their fault if they did something stupid--ie. lost something important).

Dr. Bud agrees that it's OK to tell a little white lie by making up a story as in the above examples. It hurts no one and can lead to conversations that significantly affect older people's well being.

Dr. Bud also thinks acknowledging fear is helpful. There are probably many opportunities to do this--in an arm's length way of course.

Aging parents' friends are no doubt experiencing issues that could necessitate giving up their homes, their cars or making other significant changes. Hearing about these issues from parents, presents an opportunity to chime in with something like: If the doctor recommended it, we would have to listen to his/her reasons before making a judgment and also see what others recommend--which could involve getting a second opinion. Have they thought about that?

Hopefully in our efforts to help parents age well some of these anecdotes define our empathy and understanding and make parents feel safe to share secrets. Remember our parents have known us for a long time.

Visit my other blog: http:helpparentsagewell.com. Same post, more information

2011-07-27T19:42:00.000-07:00

You'll see this comment below Saturday's post.
"What a great article, it’s so true- seniors avoid telling their children important things for fear of the reaction. It would be great to get some tips on how to have these conversations with our aging parents, and yet still respect their independence and dignity."

I've heard people say it's sometimes easier to "share feelings with strangers." Trying to personalize this I immediately thought of being on an airplane, sitting next to a complete stranger and sharing a conversation containing thoughts and feelings that could never have been shared with someone who knew anything about me or anyone who knew me Have you experienced this?

There's a degree of safety in anonymity and there's a degree of safety on a plane. There's also objective listening on the part of both participants, who know nothing about each other so if there's a judgment to be made, there's nothing personal attached--nor can anyone come back later to say "I told you so" (or "not to" or whatever).

Can this translate into a conversation of shared secrets with aging parents? We share secrets with parents when we're kids; but it doesn't seem to be prevalent the other way around, does it?

So the question is, can we create a safe environment in which aging parents feel as safe sharing secrets with us, as they might on an airplane with a stranger?

And here's what I see as the problem: With a complete stranger, trust isn't an issue since no ones knows who we are and we've chosen what we want them to know about us. If we owned Harry Potter's wand, we could make the relationship with our aging parents disappear...and come back as new. But we can't, so how do we develop that trust? Must it be nurtured decades back? Is now too late?

I have some thoughts which I wanted to bounce off Senior Advisor, psychiatrist, Dr. Bud, but he's unavailable for a few days. In the meantime, feel free to contribute thoughts, and I'll be back Saturday--hopefully with a few good tips......so don't go away for long.

Visit my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com Same blog, more information

Tuesday's post Delayed Until Tomorrow

2011-07-26T18:54:00.001-07:00

The renovation of the apartment plus things requiring attention but ignored in order to get our home ready to sell, made it impossible to post today's blog. Tomorrow should work fine, so check back the later part of the day.

Aging Parents' Well-being: 4 Things They Won't Tell Us and Why

2011-07-24T19:13:00.000-07:00

The following situations and reactions are not exclusive to aging parents. Where older people are involved, however, the consequences are different. They can significantly change parents' lives. Even in the best of relationships, most parents won’t tell us--

1. --THEY'VE FALLEN.
Why? Pride: A remarkable 88-year-old mother fell and bounced back to normal many times without anyone’s knowing (or if they knew, they’d been sworn to secrecy) until she broke her 88-year-old hip and her devoted daughter found out. It turns out a simple corrective device, placed in her shoes, was all that was needed to solve the balance problem that caused the falls in the first place. But the solution came after enduring surgery and rehabilitation for her hip. While she’s still a spunky and amazing 88-year-old, it did “take her down a notch,” according to her daughter.
Why? Fear of being forced to give up their home and go someplace where their adult children think falls are less likely—be it moving from a home with stairs to a one-floor apartment or to independent or assisted living, or coming to live with their adult children (granted, much less likely today than it was in previous generations).

2. --THEY'VE HAD A DRIVING INCIDENT.
Why? Fear they'll be made to stop driving. But this needn’t be if solvable medical issues are involved and family members know about resources that evaluate older people's driving and may help them to drive longer: http://www.usaaedfoundation.org/ (click "health and safety" for The Effects of Aging on Driving Skills). Check AAA's brochures http://www.aaafoundation.org, click "products," "free," and scroll down for brochures that resonate ie. The Older and Wiser Driver and Drivers 65 Plus.

If safe-driving parents can legitimately continue to drive (possibly aided by programs like CarFit), it's easier and happier for everyone. If parents are no longer qualified to drive, it's based on objective evidence.

3. --THEIR PROBLEMS/CONCERNS.
Why? They still feel protective towards their children, don’t want to burden them, especially if the children have their own problems of deal with.
Why? They don't want to chance being told what to do, they want someone to listen-- someone who they know cares--to bounce ideas off of.

4. --CERTAIN INTERACTIONS THEY KNOW COULD BE JUDGMENTAL.
Why? No one wants a lecture or being told what to do, be they children, young adults or old adults. One independent-living, 80-something-year old father said several years ago: “I told my daughter I was going to the movie with a friend and immediately was told it wasn’t wise because of swine flu. Come on. Children and people with certain conditions and are most at risk and I’m neither.” Another 80-year-old sums up the feelings of many when she confidently says “I still think I can make my own decisions.”

How many aging parents can identify with the short poem below? Can't remember where it came from, but I saved it.

Our children have knowledge of important things
Things that they think we should know
Forgetting we told them those very same things
When they were young-- years ago.

As we try to help parents age well, it's food for thought.

Visit my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com Same blog, more resources

Saturday's Post Postponed Until Sunday

2011-07-23T20:50:00.000-07:00

Once we've moved I expect to post as originally planned--Tuesdays and Saturdays. While in this transition, so much is unpredictable; so like today, there will be--and have been--times I must postpone my blog by a day.

Entertaining Aging Parents: Destination Outings and Short Drives

2011-07-19T20:58:00.000-07:00

WHERE? A drive of an hour (more or less) offers a change of scenery--a beautiful view from any coast, lake, or river, plus a perfect setting for lunch (or picnic if doable) with aging parents. (Remember the water and sunscreen.)

Touristy or not natural attractions take people out of themselves, into what's real. Clearly a change for aging parents who don't drive much--or at all.

For example, I think of Multnomah Falls (Columbia River Highway out of Portland, Oregon), which Sr. Advisor, R, visited with us 2 summers ago, when she was 95. Loved the drive along the river, the falls is spectacular, and the restaurant lovely (check to see if reservations are advised)...or take a picnic.

Last weekend, for example, we were in Massachusetts--the Stockbridge, Lenox, Williamstown, Bennington area--all within a short driving distance. Lots of music, art plus theater and dance. (Such options may be near you.)

We attended two Tanglewood performances--the Boston Symphony at night; the Boston Pops on Sunday afternoon. These kinds of concerts attract older people--lots of gray hair and canes and a few bus tours at night; loads of walkers, wheelchairs, canes as well as an uncountable number of buses, clearly marked "Senior Tours" for the daytime Boston Pops.

It seems loads of aging parents and grandparents enjoy summer music outings; so many take day bus tours. An older woman in front of me proudly told me she had driven herself to the Sunday concert. She lived close and was soon joined by the 40-something (thoughtful) neighbors, who often give her a ticket.

Culture abounds: The Clark museum (Williamstown, Mass.)-- world-class paintings, user-friendly for older people (handicap accessible, wheelchairs, elevators, benches, excellent cafe). The Norman Rockwell Museum in Stockbridge, Mass. and the Bennington Museum in Vermont with its Grandma Moses collection, are gems. The latter should be uplifting. Grandma Moses was still painting at 100.

When living near parents, driving them to small towns they used to frequent but don't drive to any more, is a welcome outing...sometimes perhaps they can bring a friend. I know Sr. Advisor, R, has a friend whose daughter often includes R in short outings. She has a wonderful time--it means so much to her...and she usually treats them to lunch.

Zoos, local museums, a drive around the old neighborhood (past their old school if it's still standing), a picnic in a park, an unexpected trip to the mall--the options are only limited by our imagination and, I guess, finances. A destination outing or a simple drive with lunch or a midday meal helps parents age well--gives older people a lift--something to think and talk about. And we too can enjoy that.

Visit my other site http://helpparentsagewell.com for photos

Help Aging Parents: Discussing End-of-Life Issues

2011-07-16T23:28:00.000-07:00

Discussing end-of-life issues with aging parents is uncomfortable for so many. Several previous posts discuss this, focusing on various aspects. For example, "Aging Parents, Adult Children: Control and End-of-Life Issues" (9/10/10) points out some of the reasons these discussions don't happen:

1. Denial on the part of parents and children (note: denial is an unconscious mechanism that keeps us from dealing with something until we are ready)
2. consciously not wanting to face the inevitable
3. superstition (if we talk about it, it may happen)
4. keeping children clueless (maintains parental control).

Dad was in his mid-80's. We needed to have this kind of conversation which I had thought about for quite a while. The question was how to begin. I don't remember exactly how I ultimately broached the subject, but after Mother began having tia's I managed to do it.

Fortunately the Wall Street Journal has just paved the way for such a discussion in an article aimed at older people, The 25 Documents You Need Before You Die (July 2, 2011). (Children in their 50's are used in the examples.) It is helpful, excellent information for aging parents. And therein lies our opportunity--or at least step one.

Our senior advisor, RHW, Esq., reviewed the article, thought it was very well done and offered one addition. The article lists will, revocable trust, and "letter of instruction" as "The Essentials." While the Durable Financial Power of Attorney is mentioned as an "also" in the essentials paragraph, it is not an "also" in his opinion.

He emphasizes "more than enything else the Durable Financial Power of Attorney can prevent the courts from having to appoint a guardian or conservator--an expensive and often cumbersome procedure." It is essential in giving parents control over who has this financial power and should be a 4th "essential." You could mention that for starters--or not. Period.

A discussion about wills etc. needn't take place the moment we hand parents the WSJ article or (if they're WSJ subscribers) ask them if they've read it. We'll know, however, that they have good information at their fingertips. And isn't helping parents get their affairs in order part of helping parents age well? ......Of course we'll also know we've opened the door for future discussions.

Check out my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com More information, same blog.

Aging Parents: Taking Medications--or Perhaps Skipping Them?

2011-07-12T22:13:00.000-07:00

How difficult is it to remember to take medications? Do the number of medications and a good memory determine that? Or is there more to consider? (Of course, read on.)

For young adults it's easy. Most have few prescription medications and probably some vitamins--no doubt often gulped down at the same time each day. But what about older people and aging parents?

People over 55, on average, take 6-8 medications daily, according to a July 5, 2011 NY Times article. I wonder if that number includes vitamins.

Dealing with 3 medical conditions is average for a 75-year-old, according to the Alliance for Aging Research presented in a Tufts University Health & Nutrition Letter article (August 2002). This necessitates about 5 prescription drugs simultaneously, although the article says the number could go as high as 15 prescription drugs.

There are of course organizers--from the inexpensive plastic pill-organizing boxes to the more expensive technological products like Philips and Guardian that remind people to take their medications.

But this may be only part of the issue. The July 5, 2011 NY Times article, "When 'Take as Directed' Poses a Challenge" addresses another important aspect. It never occurred to me that "take every 12 hours" and "take twice a day" could cause confusion or be burdensome. In our efforts to help parents, who take medications, age well, this article is more than worthwhile....and if you wonder if aging parents may be skipping medications, it's a must-read.

Help Aging Parents: Downsizing, Leaving Home, and Loss

2011-07-09T21:59:00.000-07:00

Being smack in the middle of downsizing--preparing to move after decades in one's home--is daunting. The thought was daunting even before we began.

Everyone comments "How exciting!" when hearing a NY city apartment awaits us. True, it is exciting to think about moving back to NYC where we lived for several years after graduate school; but we've been too busy to give much time to that kind of thinking.

Another kind of thinking continually pops into my head, however. It's the thought that moving from one's home at any age is unsettling. When we consider the stress and feelings we experience and we've initiated the move, we can understand why thoughts of moving from their home is so distressing for older people.

3 Reasons

If it's a move that aging parents haven't initiated, often to assisted living on a "campus" with facilities for levels of care, it's in-their-face recognition that:
---they are unable to carry on life as they have for so many decades
---others recognize this and no longer have confidence in their abilities to remain as independent as they have been
---this is probably their last stop before the cemetery.

Moving under these circumstances understandably triggers feelings of many types of loss: of abilities, of self-esteem, of independence, of optimism. It must be accompanied by an overarching sense of what was and what lies ahead. For older people who feel forced to move this must be very sobering.

I think of all the memories that surface with every box and folder that is opened, with every photo and piece of saved stuff that is examined. My husband and I smile and think of how of good it was, forgetting the challenges which seemed so big at the time.

We are looking forward, not moving that far from our present community, and it's exciting. Yet I know realistically there will be a time when we will look back, assuming we reach a ripe old age. Upon reaching 89 Dad often said, "When you can look back many more years than you can look forward, you know you're old." I truly don't think he felt old until he began saying that.

Perhaps it's because he never had to move, he never confronted that kind of sobering change and the feelings of loss that go with it. Yet clearly, living that long, Dad experienced many kinds of loss.

Understanding the components of moving--which involve change, energy, downsizing, and organization and loss--provides us with sensitivity to their impact and understandings to help our aging parents and think twice before initiating unnecessary change. Won't it also help us when the time comes?

Check out my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com. Same blog, more information.

Downsizing Aging Parents' Homes: Energy, Organization Part 2

2011-07-07T21:45:00.000-07:00

According to the Myers-Briggs (its short-cut name) I am an ESTP and I'm positive my husband is an INTJ, even though he's never taken this inventory. Very simply, our preferred way of doing things (which is what the Myers-Briggs scores) is quite different, even though we share values and the way we look at most things.

Note the first of the 4 letters.

My husband, the high-scoring "I" personality type--thinks before taking action. Example: the student who wants to digest the question and carefully think out the answer before raising his or her hand. On the other hand, the high-scoring "E" personality types' hands go up first, even if they have only a partial answer. More outwardly active describes the "E" personality type. (Teachers learn the slow-to-raise-their-hand-kids may have just as good or a better answer than the kids with the quickly raised hands.)

Then there's the 2nd letter showing our preferred way of looking at things--the Forest or Trees? High-scoring "N" types see the forest first (the overall picture, macro). High-scoring "S" types see the trees first (the specifics/details, micro).

We both scored high on the third letter "T" (thinking). The other option is an "F" (feeling) and while I scored higher on the "T" part, I scored pretty high on the "F" part also--which happens. High-scoring "T" types begin thinking when looking for answers; "F" types lead with feelings.

Lastly, my husband's "J." High-scoring "J" types judge quickly; they put the facts together, make a decision. Done. On the other hand "P" types take longer to make decisions--they're thinking of every possible option.

This is all very simplistic. Yet it helps us appreciate others' ways of doing things.

So how do we go about organizing for downsizing and moving?

As we work and organize with others--and realize we may approach things differently and still have successful results--we share the burden.

My husband and I give each other space to work in our comfort zones, although I'm certain my husband secretly wonders if I will even get through all the drawers, closets, boxes, papers etc.

He in his "super-organized fashion" decided to tackle the boxes of stuff in the attic first, then go to the file drawers. I tackled things as the spirit moved me. First: my clothes (closet and drawers). It felt good to give some away to people or to those clothing drop boxes, and to see closet and drawer space expand.

We both agreed about books we would keep, so that was easy; meanwhile, his boxes have been emptied, material shredded, keepsakes and meaningful stuff saved.

Needless to say, my pile of saved objects is larger than my husband's due to my "P" inclination. I see many future uses for things, which causes delayed decision making. I must remind myself I did score much lower on the "J" part of my preferences. And I know my "P" inclination to save could keep me from ever finishing the task ahead, so at times I make judgments--dumping things I've come to realize I'll never use again, before I can change my mind.

My scattered successful attempts are not nearly as noticeable as my husband's dozens of empty cartons and cleared folders, but I know I'll finish by our deadline. Fortunately, he leaves me alone to plow through in my own way. After many years he realizes I do meet my commitments on time, my way of doing it is just not his way.

If you want to delve further into Myers Briggs, check out the organization's site: http://www.myersbriggs.org/ click My MBTI Personality Type then MBTI Basics or /http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myers-BriggsType Indicator and scroll down to "Types."

You can take the inventory on line although I can't judge the sites. (I took it in class, under the guidance of a professional.) So I add a disclaimer as to its validity but for fun you might try the myersbrigs.org site above or http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp.

PS. The "S" in my ESTP initially saw the specific contents of our home as overwhelming. But once I found a specific starting point that inspired me to action, I was on my way.

Good luck!

Downsizing Aging Parents' Homes: Energy, Organization Part 2

2011-07-05T21:28:00.000-07:00

Good organization obviously saves energy, time, friction. Clearly some people seem born as good organizers, while others??? Clearly aren't.

Downsizing and moving involve daunting tasks--believe me, I know first hand right now. I've also always known my husband is an excellent organizer--much more disciplined than I (I'm more often propelled by instinct and inspiration).

We are different personality types and have different ways of accomplishing things. And we both get them done, which is the point of this post. There is no right or wrong way if the goal is met.

More specifically there is a well-known personality type "test," the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator. There's no right or wrong answer. For example, if I ask you to raise your hand, some will raise the right hand, others the left. There's a preferred way for some (use the right hand) while for others it's the left hand. But neither way is better. We teach this in some depth to our 10th graders. You'll catch on quickly also.

Without going into too much detail, I'll illustrate examples as they affect my husband's and my organization for this move. When people work well--and the same way--together everyone is on the same page and things should work well. But when people's way of organizing is radically different, needless friction can arise. Obviously if help is needed from someone who's never organized and who can never be counted on, a completely different strategy is called for.

We're talking about behavior here and organizing for a common goal. Since I only have time to write in snip-its due to my current downsizing/moving situation, tomorrow I will present opposite organizational habits with equally successful results. The immediate goal is to help aging parents when they need to downsize or move. Understanding the way they effectively organize (or not) and the way we organize should help things go more smoothly.

Downsizing--Aging Parents' Homes...How Much Energy Does It Take?

2011-07-02T22:18:00.000-07:00

.................And whose energy?

A former colleague, Anna, now a current friend in her late 80's, phoned me yesterday to tell me she was going away for the weekend; she was also wondering how I was progressing with our downsizing. I enumerated the things I'd been doing and the fact that I was very tired at the end of the day. I started thinking about the impact of aging on one's energy.

I remembered a lunch date with another former colleague, a year ago. Because she's almost 60, retirement was part of our discussion. And energy was a big part of that discussion.

She's a master teacher and brilliant. She has published, has a stellar reputation and a devoted following of students. While she believes that she's an even better teacher than when she was younger, she is also aware that the energy you have at almost 60 isn't the energy you had at 50. Looking back we agreed that in your 40's you have a great deal of energy, definitely enough to spare.

I've long held the notion most of us reach our peak in our 40's, remain at that level for quite a while. Yet, almost imperceptibly, energy begins to decline. We can easily compensate for it initially because we are older and wiser. But it finally catches up with us.

Less than two years ago Anna and her husband downsized from a large home with over 50 years of accumulation to a good-sized apartment. Anna's mind is excellent, she swam daily until the house was sold and she remains interested in everything.

Her many children and grandchildren were only too happy to help these aging parents/grandparents pack and move. But Anna tells me that, although she didn't have to be concerned with the physical part, the mental energy required was tiring. Even after showing younger people what needed to be done and how to do it, it often wasn't done just the way Anna wanted. So she did much of it herself.

Can adult children argue with that? If we're creating additional mental stress while trying to be helpful and preserve older peoples' energy, are we helping? And how do we help in a way that respects everyone's wishes, time, and abilities? If we can answer that last question, we can offer our greater supply of energy, have grateful aging parents and grandparents, and feel good.

But most of our parents (as well as ourselves) put off downsizing until we realize we aren't as able as we were and may not have the energy if we wait much longer. The earlier everyone starts, the better.

Note, Boomers: Some children, who are old enough to care, could care less about their parents' treasures. Some parents--aging or not, moving or not--are giving things to their children, including old photos that may or may not be in albums. (The photos of course need identification if they're to have meaning. I think we all know the frustration of looking through an old family album lacking identification.)

It takes a lot of energy and time to go through shelves and drawers, photos and folders of papers. If you're like me with deceased parents who kept everything--you not only have your things to evaluate, but must read and double check theirs before recycling one scrap of paper. Why? Because, for example, my parents haven't been gone long enough for me to legally shred everything.

My almost 98-year-old mil, Sr. Advisor R, on the other hand, (recently recovered from her broken hip), is conscientiously tossing or giving "stuff" weekly. Her energy hasn't returned completely, but she is disciplined as I've written previously. Says she doesn't want us to be stuck with it.

When aging parents aren't mentally capable, it's another story. But when they can do, if we didn't know how to help before, why not reread paragraphs 7, 8, and 9? Hopefully we can adapt the concepts, help our aging parents, help ourselves, and perhaps even our children.

Downsizing: Energy, Organization, Loss, Change--For Aging Parents and For Us Too?

2011-06-28T20:16:00.001-07:00

Tuesday's post presented today, Wednesday, June 29th

Downsizing to help aging parents? A sobering thought: in a way that might surprise you, it applies to us too.

Personal experience: I've been writing about helping parents age well for about a year now on WordPress--hoping that sharing my unpublished book/manuscript with the world will, increase the number of older people who age well, as well as my parents did and my mother-in-law does.

Rewind to last summer. My parents had died, my then 96-year-old mother-in-law was aging well out west, and my husband and I were settled in our home of many years, enjoying our routines. While some people were thinking of moving to Florida, thoughts of giving up our home didn't enter our minds.

I'd joked about a city apartment being the best place to age well. "When you're really ill, the doorman can call a taxi, dump you in the back seat," and tell the driver which ER to take you to," I'd laughingly say. Then someone at the NY Times read my mind, I guess, and addressed the subject http://helpparentsagewell.com/2010/07/page/2/

Then our 18-year-old feral cat died. We took it for granted we could never move while she was alive--although loving and loyal, the "feral" in her would not allow her to age well in a new environment according to every veterinarian who had contact with her.

Since I give careful thought to the ideas expressed in my posts. Suddenly it occurred to me, why not at least look at apartments in NY City---for the future of course. We were theoretically too young to have to move or even want to move.

But moving--we are; and selling our home--the "For Sale" sign goes up this weekend. I'll skip the details of apartment hunting and how we ended up with what could be a perfect apartment but needs serious renovation that I had no inclination to do....but am presently doing.

Nevertheless, I want to talk about the major components of downsizing: Energy, Organization, Loss, Change as they impact aging parents and us. And I will try to post a bit each night, since large swatches of time are currently in short supply. Do check in.

Help Aging Parents: When Life (and Death) Get in the Way

2011-06-25T21:42:00.000-07:00

When parents need us, we are there--if we can possibly manage it and are committed to helping them age well. And so it is today, that a dear friend, Edie, was laid to rest in NY. She was almost 101 years old and she did age well.

My day has slipped away from me and I will post on this blog tomorrow also. But tonight I want to take a few minutes to write a bit about Edie--a fine, can-do, petite woman I knew through the Woman's Club--who I grew to love and admire over the years. Then, using Edie's example, I want to add a bit about how family contributions help old/older people age well.

You may have met Edie in previous posts: quoted for her wisdom about old peoples' driving and cited for her always-in-order, stylish appearance among other things. She was intelligent and well read, and her good eyesight enabled her to read, as well as write a note on a January letter to me (dictated to her daughter, who then printed it out so Edie could add the note) in her very legible, somewhat shaky, handwriting.

While Edie lived here in NY all the time I knew her (with a daughter who has health issues and her daughter's husband), she was close to both daughters. A year ago around Mother's Day, Edie's far-away-living Tennessee daughter came to NY to take Edie back to live the rest of her years with her and her husband--a mutually-agreed-to move, from what I can tell.

The far-away Tennessee-living daughter is Edie's youngest. She came to NY periodically. On those trips she and Edie shopped for clothes at Talbots--one of Edie's favorite stores and obviously another option for clothes suitable for old women. She also went to Edie's hairdresser's and left money to continue Edie's weekly hair appointments.

We know how important hair is in looking "put together." While clearly looks aren't everything, they are a major part of a first impression. And Edie's first impression was yes old, but well-groomed and nicely dressed. Additionally, the weekly hair appointment got Edie out of the house and into real life at the hair salon with all the gossip and friendly chatter that involves.

Another plus was the fact that after she stopped driving at 90 something, another family member or friend drove her to the beauty salon each week. More contact with others, more socialization, more stimulation--all of which as we know helps people age well.

Once in Tennessee, Edie's younger daughter, a teacher, became caregiver during her nonscheduled working hours. She arranged for someone to be at home with Edie during the day while at school.

I'm sure many of us are familiar with the routine. We put our life on hold until the end of a long day and then take care of our own responsibilities. Papers needing to be graded awaited Edie's daughter at night. So once the night was hers, she began another kind of work. But she wouldn't have changed that for anything, she says.

I began writing about old people and change in the last post. While change is difficult for most old people, Edie seems to be an exception. The fact that it was a mutually-agreed-upon change, was no doubt a big factor. Edie also liked the gentler pace of Tennessee.

While Edie lived with her NY daughter and husband for many years, we all knew about her yearly trips (in her 90's) to Tennessee as well as to Texas and California to see her grown grandchildren. Shortly after arriving in Tennessee last summer, Edie's daughter and husband drove her to Texas to visit one granddaughter and her family. More stimulation, more social contact. "Can you imagine we're driving all the way to Texas?" she wrote me.

Edie's was a life well lived. She was a member of that remarkable generation--widowed relatively young with two daughters, always upholding her end while moving everyone forward in the most graceful, positive way. And her family happily gave back, which was almost unnecessary until she approached 100 and finally needed them. What goes around, comes around.

Aging Parents: Older/Old People and Change

2011-06-21T20:32:00.000-07:00

"Old people don't adjust to change well," says an 85-year-old friend, talking about her long-time friend who completely recovered from a stroke, is once again living independently, but has changed from a woman of strength and determination to someone who acts relatively helpless...a woman whose "piercing intellect" has softened.

"Illness can change people," she continues, "I think it's the prospect of a change in their life--the prospect of not living life as they would like to.

Yes. But that's just a piece. According to our senior advisor, psychiatrist Dr. Bud, "it's not just the 'prospect.' It is change. It's a loss....Body integrity is involved here and there's a need to make compromises due to the loss. The loss itself can be a profound change and there may be fewer options to replace the loss (ie. can no longer do daily exercises, walk any distance, play golf).....Anticipating loss in ourselves or in others isn't something we normally think about."

So Dr. Bud gives us another tool to help parents age well when we understand the profound effect of loss that can accompany change in older people. We gain an important awareness that can increase our sensitivity and our ability to reach out and offer support.

For example, Dr. Bud says "it may be helpful to confirm that something is lost, but not everything." Recognizing this may help a person to change--to reassess him or herself and his or her capacity for involvement in other things--or in doing things another way.
* * * *
Throughout our lives we have heard about the importance of being a good listener. Having someone to talk to, not necessarily to gain advice from, but having someone who actively listens in a caring way, provides its own feedback.

When people of any age feel free to express uncertainties and feelings in a supportive, nonjudgmental, not-telling-you-what- you-should-or-shouldn't-do-environment, options often become evident, solutions can appear. Clearly family members and friends, who are good listeners, play an important role in helping older people surmount the bumps in life that require changes. And that has to help aging parents continue to age well.

Aging Parents: Continuing to Help Aging Fathers on Father's Day

2011-06-18T22:25:00.000-07:00

Happy Father's Day

There's nothing better than making someone feel special and these cakes are truly works of art, aren't they?

I am not a baker but I do think if Dad were alive, I might just get some of those sheets of marzipan, some food coloring, and--using a packaged mix--try the cake below.

The cake at the top needs, I think, some kind of colored butter cream frosting in addition to the marzipan-- to make the sweater vest--which I would probably do in one color since it would still look nice and would only need one food coloring. On second thought, possibly I would go to the extra trouble of making the cake at the top. Dad would no doubt be wearing his sweater vest over a sport shirt--as he did every day, so Father's Day would probably be no exception and he would be "tickled" when he saw that cake.

If inspired, you can Google many photos of Father's Day cakes, complete with recipes, and I'm guessing all are easier to make than the ones above. So I'm including a link with photos and difficulty levels:http://www.wilton.com/ideas/browse.cfm?cel=Fathers-Day&cat=Cakes, should you be inspired.

In the final analysis I think we know it's the warmth of being together that pleases parents most.

With every good wish for a Happy Father's Day

Visit my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com

Aging Parents: A Round-Up of Gift Ideas for Father's Day

2011-06-14T20:49:00.000-07:00

Fathers Day Cake made by Esperanza

The cake should look familiar--from my last year's Father's Day post. Today I'm rounding up gift ideas from my past posts and adding some. Indeed I'm also adding some hidden agenda items that enhance aging parents' quality of life, designated **. (You've probably thought about them but never had the courage to act.) Since Father's Day is Sunday, here's the list--by categories--that should help us last-minute shoppers.

Accessories/Clothing:

Cane (measured correctly) or walking stick
Hat (to shade a bald/potentially balding head)
Sport shirt. (Dad liked long sleeve ones to protect his arms from skin cancer--a definite concern as he aged.)
Sleeveless cardigan (not over the head) sweater vest. Easier to get off and on if buttons aren't a problem. Older people run cold. Dad wore it at home. It also looked good under a jacket when he went out. (This style is hard to find.)
An easy-to-use umbrella--opens/closes with the push of a button. Note: there has been a lot of rain this spring. (Totes makes one.)

Computers--especially designed for seniors: Check the 6 options in my May post http://helpparentsagewell.com/2011/05/28/computers-especially-for-seniors/ .

A-Plus Senior Computer
Big Screen Live
Eldy
GO computer
WOW computer
Pzee computer

For the even less-technology-talented, check out

Paw Paw and the
Presto Printing Mailbox.

Entertainment:

Magazine Subscription
Netflix
Subscription to newspaper--hometown, financial
Tickets to sporting events etc.--accompany Dad or for Dad and a friend.
A short outing with Dad (fishing trip, golf game, movie, zoo, his old neighborhood if it's near--you might learn additional family history).

Health:

Membership to the YMCA
Membership to a gym
Membership to Silver Sneakers
A good blood pressure gauge may be a gift that helps parents age well, possibly recommended by doctor.
A great pair of shoes for walking
**This medication reminder was featured in a local hospital's magazine, sent to seniors in surrounding communities. http://www.guardianmedicalmonitoring.com/medication-management.asp. Good idea for forgetful fathers (and mothers)?

Hearing: Hearing loss in older people is a problem for everyone.

**Amplified Telephones=better conversations for all. http://telephonesforhearingimpaired.com/ provides a quick education as does the "Amplified Telephones" section of this U. of Calif at San Francisco Medical Center site: http://www.ucsfhealth.org/education/hearing enhancement_devices/

Check this NY Times article: http://gadgetwise.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/01/07/functions-to-make-phones-easier-for-the-elderly/ which mentions Clarity's phones, http://shop.clarityproducts.com/.

Usually I pay little attention to company's emails sent to my blog's gmail, but because of the Times article--this interested me. Click on the amplified phones picture for Clarity's offerings. A few phones (which may or may not meet your parents needs) are on sale for Father's Day.

Google "telephones for hearing loss" for additional phone options.

**An appeal for an appointment with an audiologist (write a nice note)
**Assistive listening systems: for TV watchers who need very high volume (http://www.hsdcstore.com/FAQs/DigitalTV.htm), while others in the room DON'T. Educate yourself. Scroll down to "Assistive Listening Devices."

Pampering

Starbucks VIA ready brew individual instant coffee packets--regular or decaf in 3 or 12 packs for coffee lovers. Microwave in mug. Pricey. Dad probably wouldn't buy it for himself.
A massage or a professional shave

Vision: We know aging produces vision changes in many.

Large print books (for dads who still like the feel of a book)
The Kindle or other electronic book, where the font can be enlarged--a Godsend I hear
The mini-maglite, small flashlights that give great light in dark places.
Pocket magnifying-glass takes up little space, is light weight, not pricey (less pricey at Staples), remains lit without having to keep a finger on any button, great for reading (menus/bills) in dark restaurants.

This is getting too long; will try to add to it tomorrow. In the meantime, the "hidden agenda" part was inspired by an old event in my life.

The first Christmas we were married, my husband gave me a gift he thought I should have (cookbook). But then he had another gift for me that I really liked. We still laugh about it. But the additional gift made it very OK. OK--you get it.

Since helping parents age well is important, is there a gift that would enhance your dad's well-being? Something he would have resisted if you suggested it, but probably won't refuse especially if it's combined with something he'd really like? These are the ** gifts. You can laugh with him if your "hidden agenda" is discovered. But he will know your heart's in the right place.

Also visit my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com Same blog, more resources

Help Aging Parents: Do We Become Parents to Our Parents-- Part 2 of 2

2011-06-11T05:41:00.000-07:00

When aging parents can no longer do for themselves...

If we agree that we are our parents' children; if we acknowledge parents' natural desire to have their children look up to them with respect, how do we reconcile a popular belief (or is it an attitude?) that--when parents get to the point where they can no longer do for themselves and we must take over responsibilities similar to those of parents with young children--we become parents to our parents?

Shortly after publication of her book, They're Your Parents Too, Francine Russo, spoke to a group in NY last year. I asked her thoughts about being parents to our parents when they become dependent. Her response was to the effect that feeding a parent isn't the same as feeding an infant. The task may be the same; the relationship is entirely different.

Do we see ourselves as parenting our spouse if he or she has disabilities or neurological problems that require us to do the caregiving dependent parents may require? I think not. With parents, as well with a spouse, isn't respect and upholding dignity an overarching aspect of the relationship? Regardless of the situation or duties required of us, can that be ignored?

A friend who instinctively does it right took care of her elderly father after surgery that left him temporarily incontinent. Wanting to maintain her father's dignity and sensing his unease when she had to help with certain things she quipped "Dad, I've been married for a long time now--don't you think I've seen it before?"

I haven't forgotten her sharing this with me some time ago. I remember thinking what an adult, respectful way to handle an awkward situation.

Since we can't get inside people's heads to know how much they're processing (even when we may think "nothing,") can we take the risk of making a loved one feel like a child? We may be devoting ourselves to help aging parents, we can feel weary, exhausted, and unappreciated. But is it worth undoing it all if--even for a nanosecond--we make our parents feel diminished?

I remember my mother at one point after her stroke saying something like "I took care of you as a child and now you're taking care of me." I also remember my response (which I must admit to this day I'm happy to think I made). It was something like "You're right, Mom, and you know what--now it's payback time so don't give it a second thought."

I do think when we help parents age well--or at least as well as possible--right up to the end, we have few--if any-- regrets. And that's a gift we not only give our parents--but ourselves as well.

Visit my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com Same blog, more resources

Aging Parents: Do We Become Parents to Our Parents? Part 1 (of 2)

2011-06-08T20:35:00.000-07:00

...and/or do we remain their children forever

Contributing factors are varied. Let's look at the "children forever" part first:

Back to Childhood: To help parents age well we need to keep in mind: "People change--not much." I've often repeated this quote from the former head of human resources for a highly regarded Fortune 500 company. As grown ups, we can look at our parents with fresh eyes if we try (it's perhaps easier when we live far away).

See complete version on my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com

Today's Post Delayed Until Tomorrow

2011-06-07T21:00:00.000-07:00

Now and then we have situations that put our lives on overload and since I can't make a 28-hour-day, I must put today's post on delay.

Aging Parents: The Value of Walking With Your Parents if You're Over 44

2011-06-04T23:46:00.000-07:00

An October 10, 2010 Jane Brody column in the NY Times, http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/26/health/26brody.html?_r=1&src=me&ref=general continues to be timely as she discusses age-related changes. I was reminded of this column as I passed a former neighbor's home, where a garage sale was in progress.

I hadn't seen my former neighbor, Jane, since last fall, yet I had known her well and watched her children grow up. Her husband died prematurely and last fall she introduced me to an important man in her life, Pete. He was moving here, she said, to be with her.

She shared that Pete was an only child; didn't want to leave his mother out west. So although his mother was in her late 80's she too was moving here into a really nice apartment they had furnished for her, complete with her recently-shipped-out furniture.

I gently questioned about leaving friends, doctors, other supports behind and was told Pete's mother never went out, just sat home and watched TV, so it really didn't matter whether she was here or back home. It was the same TV, the same furniture, only now she could be near her son plus Jane. And they could both help her.

As I looked at the sale items neatly organized on the lawn and driveway I spotted a walker. Since another neighbor was a partner in this garage sale I asked "who's walker was that?"

"Oh, that was Pete's mother's, she died a few months ago."
"I remember she was coming out here," I said.
"Yes, she came, but it turned out she had a lot wrong with her that we never knew about," Jane offered. "She had congestive heart failure among other things. I guess I should have realized. During the years I've known her she stopped walking unless it was absolutely necessary. She used to go into the market with us to shop, but made excuses to stay in the car the last few years. And all she did was watch TV. I realized her figure changed--I guess from so much sitting--her waist, hips, legs got bigger from sitting around and the congestive heart failure, I guess." I offered my sympathy.

Jane Brody's column immediately came to mind. We learn that lifestyle choices we make from midlife on can influence the damage from age-related changes and impact our functioning in late life.

Then a book by Mark Lachs, director of geriatrics at the New York-Presbyterian Healthcare System becomes the focus. Dr. Lachs identifies two major influences (among others) that impact how well older people function and we learn that we start to deteriorate (my words) without realizing it at an early age.

Around age 30, for example, muscle strength begins its decline until we ultimately have muscle weakness. While this doesn't impact healthy people until they're 80-90, lifestyle choices, whether we make them at 50 or 90, can allow us to postpone that rate of decline.

Dr. Lach writes, for example, that if you begin walking daily at age 45, you could delay immobility to 90+. Conversely, immobility can impact a couch potato as early as 60.

Check out Jane Brody's column and check out Dr. Lach's book, Treat Me, Not My Age, (Viking) http://treatmenotmyage.com/. Think I'll give his book to a 45-year-old friend; it could also be a Father's Day gift.

Older people may prefer advice from a book or, as I've often, mentioned "from their doctor" more than from us adult children. If this book can help us and help our parents to age well--it's a win-win.

Check out my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com More information--see tabs.

Help Aging Parents: In Honor of Memorial Day 2011

2011-05-30T18:31:00.000-07:00

Memorial Day is a time to remember that not all parents can age well. Some give the ultimate sacrifice in times of war, leaving widows and children; others receive injuries that change their lives forever.

Memorial Day, commemorating those who died in military service, was originally called Decoration Day. Its early observance--on May 30th as a time to decorate the graves of war dead with flowers--came in 1868, 3 years after the Civil War.

It was expanded to honor those who died in all American wars at the end of WWI. And in 1971 Congress declared Memorial Day a national holiday, taking it from a 1-day holiday observance (unless it fell on a Friday or Monday making for a 3-day weekend) to a Monday observance that created the 3-day holiday weekend we observe today. (For a full history click: http://www.military.com/memorial-day/)

From the LLMilitaryWife's YouTube video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5KnRaoXTig&feature=youtu.be of this year's Memorial Day ceremonies at Flanders Field,

...to the National Memorial Cemetery of the Pacific at Punchbowl in Honolulu: http://www.mypearlcity.com/story/community/message-editor-memorial-day-2011

...to the reflections of a columnist for the Burlington (Vt.) Free Press, http://www.burlingtonfreepress.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=2011105290314

...and the personal experiences of a San Diego (CA) writer, http://www.sandiego.com/sports/memorial-day-2011-flags-friends-and-family

we sample this weekend's thoughts and tributes. Help Parents Age Well honors those who gave the ultimate sacrifice.

This Post replaces Tuesday's regular post.

Help Aging Parents: Computers for Seniors

2011-05-28T16:02:00.000-07:00

Special computers for seniors? We know computers are a way of life for younger generations, but not for aging parents. That's why my posts the last two weeks have focused on capable aging parents using a computer. But we can't assume that computers not especially designed for seniors are suitable for aging parents and grandparents. One size never fits all. So today--

6 computer options for seniors

While I'm not in a position to rate them, I've added hopefully helpful comments. Needless to say researching for the specifics that best match for your aging parents' or grandparents' capabilities and needs makes sense. While clearly not all-inclusive, here are 6 options worth looking at:

A-Plus Senior Computer: http://www.aplusseniorcomputer.com/?gclid=CNzX16fCi6kCFQcnbAodiyNAoA Be certain to click "Questions."

Big Screen Live: http://bigscreenlive.com/. "Software to turn a pc into an easy-to-use senior computer." For details watch YouTube video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ja_6VpxqUpc&feature=related.

Eldy: http://eldy.eu/ Begun in Europe, the free Eldy download for Windows, Linus, and Mac makes one's current computer senior-friendly. According to the 12/29/10 post's sidebar, training is going on in the US. Check it out!

GO Computer: http://www.thegocomputer.com/, click "FAQ's." The GO is sold through firstStreet--a major catalog retailer for "boomers and beyond."

Rick's 2009 post, http://helpmerick.com/computer-designed-for-seniors.htm, finds fault with GO's price and is instructive if you have patience to read the subsequent comments, about Eldy (then only available in Europe) and--for computer-savvy children-- about purchasing an inexpensive computer with a large screen then installing and customizing Ubuntu for senior parents.

I note firstStreet also sells the WOW! computer: http://mywowcomputer.com/--it's for seniors and has a touch screen.

Pzee computer: http://www.pzeecomputer.com/ Click "Why Pzee" at screen bottom.

Father's Day is a few weeks away. In our efforts to help aging parents, a senior-friendly computer could be a welcome gift--for older fathers and grandfathers as well.

Visit my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com Same blog, more information (see tabs).

Aging Parents' Computer Capability--2

2011-05-20T21:37:00.000-07:00

A Heads-Up Before Buying an iPad for Aging Parents
At the Apple Store I asked for help selecting an iPad for an older person. If you're thinking of gifting an aging parent with an iPad, keep the following (learned in response to my questions to the Apple person assigned to me) in mind. You need to have a compatible computer in order to install iPad updates or trouble-shoot problems, according to him. Phone support is also available--$79 for 2 years. It doesn't seem to me that the iPad can substitute for your parents' computer. In addition:
1. A compatible HP printer is necessary to be able to print something from the iPad. The Apple Store sells the HP compatible models (least expensive is about $150).
2. Since the iPad is wireless it's necessary to bring wireless to the house/apartment if it isn't already there (and of course there's a monthly charge). If cable has already been installed "it's probably OK."
3. The iPad comes in 2 models. The 3G model has the capability of being used anywhere (and requires an independent contract with Verizon or AT&T, thus is more expensive). If the iPad will be used primarily at home, no need for the 3G model.
4. A $69 keyboard is available for people who touch type and find the smooth surface of the iPad a difficult adjustment.
5. Because, as I understand it, it's necessary to have a compatible computer in order to install updates or trouble-shoot problems on the iPad, it may mean buying a new computer for your parents--probably a Mac.
6. Anyone who has changed from pc to Mac, knows it's an adjustment. Older people usually find change more difficult. I know it took me a while to feel comfortable when I made the change (even the vocabulary changes--ie. "favorites" become "bookmarks") so being available to answer aging parents' questions and being supportive during the transition makes sense.
Also, if you're considering an iPad for a Father's Day gift, you might double-check the questions I asked the Apple person who was assigned to me with the Apple person who is assigned to you. And if you should get different information, please let me know. After all-- we want to help aging parents, not give them more problems
Tomorrow I'm visiting my 89-year-old friend. Our goal: to make her a more comfortable, knowledgeable iPad user.
Visit my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com More information on the tabs

Aging Parents: Computer Capability

2011-05-19T22:35:00.000-07:00

I had one of those moments the other day. A former high school and college math teacher, now long-retired at 89 years of age, and I went out to lunch together. We've been friends for years. I knew she had been using a computer for years and assumed (Sr. Advisor 97-year-old R has said more times than I can remember "don't assume" and I guess that goes doubly for older people) she was quite computer literate.

She began our luncheon conversation telling me how she was thrilled with the new iPad her children had given her--so light weight and fast and enlarging images on the screen is easy. But she didn't know how to get my blog on it. Said her son had showed her certain things, but not how to get to my blog. So I asked a few questions:
1. How did she get to my blog on her old computer? Answer: "I pushed the button, it was in my favorites."
2. I knew she e-mailed and asked what else she did on her computer? Answer: "I look at pictures my children and grandchildren send me and I print some out."
3. "Anything else?" I asked. Answer: "I used to look up information but I don't any more."
4. "Do you write letters other than e-mail for people who don't have e-mail?" I asked. "No, I don't know how to do that. And the other thing I don't know how to do is print anything out on my new iPad."

This woman has a mathematical mind and in her day was an outstanding science student at one of the top colleges in the country. She also plays bridge and comes in first more times than I can count. So I'm wondering why her computer usage is so limited. I think I know the answer. None of her children live near.

The closest lives a 4-hour drive away and he has responsibilities that make it difficult to get away." He purchased the iPad (as a Mother's Day gift from him and his siblings) and set it up and I believe showed his mother some basics. But then he had to go back home. If you read Marti Weston's experiences with her dad and the iPad she bought him, you realize it takes more than one trip (see last Saturday's post) to help an aging parent really understand.

I went to the Apple Store today after the workmen left and will summarize my iPod inquiry in an additional post I tomorrow. In terms of helping aging parents, I think I get it now!

Visit my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com Same blog, more information

Tuesday's Post delayed another day--until Thursday

2011-05-18T20:44:00.000-07:00

Sorry everyone. Preparing to move has presented unforeseen tasks that--each day--seem to take up more time than I had realized. I'm hoping to squeeze in the time I need to post tomorrow.

As each day passes, I gain a greater appreciation of what it must be like--emotionally and physically-- for aging parents who must move from their home of decades. While we have made the choice to move, I can imagine what it must be like for an older person who is moving out of necessity. But that's a future post.

I am anxious to write about computer and computer technology that seems to be well-suited for seniors--hopefully tomorrow.

Enrichment for Aging Parents Capable of Using a Computer

2011-05-15T22:34:00.000-07:00

There is no one answer to why some capable, aging parents don't use a computer--another resource that can help parents age well. A few reasons were offered in the last post. More recent questioning of older people elicited:

Comfort Level Reasons

1. Older people are satisfied with things the way they are. Why make problems if they're happy with the status quo?
2. They aren't interested in learning anything new.
3. Any initial interest in learning to use a computer is ultimately overruled by the necessity of disrupting one's comfort level (which includes concerns about being able to learn and about internet security).
4. When it involves "home," they don't want it "torn up." Thoughts of making a hole in the wall for internet access is unnerving, whether in a home or in an apartment lacking internet accessibility.

Financial Reasons

1. While the price of computers has clearly come down, they do cost money.
2. Installing internet access costs money.
3. Then there's the monthly charge for internet access.

The above bears keeping in mind if you decide to plunge in and discuss getting a computer with your parents; as does the "keep it simple, stupid" rule. If it's complicated, forget it. Which brings us to computers recommended in past posts, but with a different twist.
1. Paw Paw http://pawpawmail.com/ The simplest technology-just email. But it does connect seniors to the outside world. A baby step towards the internet's capabilities.
2. A computer: Regardless of make or model, start simple. Instruct how to E-mail, Google, Forward an e-mail, and Click on a forward, for example Live-Streaming (eg. the previously suggested link:http://www.livestream.com/nytnestcam , where viewing the baby red-tailed hawk and its parents is addictive and educational), or UTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jca_p_3FcWA&feature=related, where Susan Boyle's 1st audition is thrilling. The latter two forwards highlight examples of the educational and musical potential.
3. The iPad: small, light-weight. Teaching parents the basics above, and selecting a few appropriate apps, gets parents started. Once again check out Marti Weston's blog and her 80-something-year-old dad's experience after she gifted him with an iPad:http://asourparentsage.net/2010/12/03/holiday-gift-buying-an-ipad-for-your-senior-parent/#more-5951.

Father's Day is June 19th. Yet there are other excuses to gift capable parents with a computer, internet access, and some of your time to teach some basics. If siblings and others want to chip in, so much the better. Once aging parents get thehang of it, won't they be entertained, connected, and possibly forever grateful?

Also check out my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com. Same blog, additional resources.

Sorry--Blog Postponed Until Sunday

2011-05-14T19:50:00.001-07:00

Blogspot Problelms=Unable to Post This Week

2011-05-13T20:03:00.000-07:00

So sorry, Everyone. Could not sign in with a new post this week--until tonight. Blogspot has had problems and I've been checking daily to see if I could sign in; but no luck until now.

As you realize if you read last Saturday's post I'm pretty sold on older parents having access to computer technology if they are mentally capable. And you know the reasons if you read that post.

Tomorrow I will elaborate and make some suggestions for getting aging parents up an running on a computer. Assuming Blogspot has no additional problems, I'll be back with you as we try to do it right in our efforts to help parents age well.
Susan

PS Do visit my other site:http:// helpparentsagewell.com. It has been up and running without problems.

Help Aging Parents: A Baby Hawk In Time For Mother's Day

2011-05-07T15:24:00.000-07:00

Is there a better Mother's Day gift than a new baby coming into the world? Robin and Bobby, the red-tailed hawks that nested on the window ledge of the New York University's president's office, have one hatched baby as of this posting.

We've been watching the nest's goings-on for several weeks; indeed the eggs were expected to hatch several weeks ago and were declared no longer viable by some expert just a few days ago. Meanwhile as the drama of an overdue birth continued, a small minority of tweets on the Twitter Chat suggested keeping the faith. Faith has triumphed.

My April 20th blog suggested forwarding this and/or other live-streaming links to lift the spirits of aging parent parents (who have a computer) on dreary, rainy, days. 4800 viewers are watching the NY Times livestream as I post this. If it's engaging them, think of the enjoyment for older parents who spend much time alone, with "time on their hands" (aka not a lot going on). This is real, reality. It's compelling, addictive and the tweets on the sidebar, while sometimes annoying, unveil viewers feelings.

So here's a Mother's Day gift--for aging mothers, aging fathers, and you too. Happy Mother's Day from Robin and Bobby and the as-yet-unnamed chick.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/07/nyregion/baby-hawks-death-exaggerated-timess-hawk-cam-shows.html

PS. There's more drama to come: will the 2 other eggs hatch and how well will the first chick survive? Weeks more of viewing... A stimulating pass-time for parents in our effort to help them age well.

Visit my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com--same blog, more information

Why Mentally Capable Aging Parents Should Have A Computer

2011-05-05T20:18:00.000-07:00

I'm sneaking in an extra post today--it's something I feel passionate about.

I was at a Woman's Club program yesterday. We had tea and desserts after the program, seated at tables for four. The attendees were, at least, in their 60's--many in their 70's and 80's; some older. Two of the women at my table were in their 80's, one was 90--all widows, bright, alert, and with-it. Why would they need a computer? Why should they have a computer? One of the 80 something-year-olds said she used a computer when she worked, but never bought one after she retired.

The subject underway when I joined the table was Bin Laden's killing by the Navy Seals. One woman's brother was an Annapolis grad way back; her husband had been a veteran. Another woman's husband was in the Pacific in WWII. I asked if they knew anything about benefits for Veteran's and their widows. Both women were clueless; their adult children should "check this out," they said, "but would they know what to do" if I wrote down my blog "address" for them?

That triggered thinking about the necessity of aging parents having and using a computer. Even R, at 97, has said many times that if she'd known at age 80 that she was going to live this long, she would have gotten a computer and learned how to use it.

That said, I have friends in their 60's and 70's who drive a car without hesitation but don't use a computer. Some have one in the house (their husband's old one?) and access e-mail--when they think about it. For anything else, they ask their husband, adult children or grandchildren to do it. Some smugly say they'd rather talk to a person on the phone; and/or they prefer to write a letter...."not as impersonal" they think.

But isn't that unfair? Unfair to impose on family members, and unfair to themselves because they miss out on a lot. Some of my high school classmates have died. Most of us hear by email. Yet a close h.s. friend who moved away "put her late husband's computer in a box" when she moved and proudly says she hasn't taken it out and doesn't plan to. Friends can update her about news on the phone, she says. They forget. She's misses out.

Studies confirm connections with others are an important factor in aging well. Think connections, stimulation, exchanging information. A computer makes it possible.

This replaces my usual Saturday post. I want to spend Saturday finding the simplest technology for using the internet and e-mail. When older people have and use that technology, an important ingredient is added to their lives--an ingredient that helps them age well.

Help Aging Parents: What Comes Around, Goes Around

2011-05-03T20:55:00.000-07:00

Barron's, "The Dow Jones Business and Financial Weekly," features "Reviews & Previews"--a 2-page spread each week. The "Reviews" page features short business-oriented snip-its, so I was surprised to read the following, but not surprised by the following in a short column titled "The Numbers" (probably included because Mother's Day is this Sunday). I share it with you.

"Senior Helpers, an in-home care provider, found that elderly moms prefer to live with their daughters over their sons.

70%: share of mothers with both sexes of children who prefer to live with their daughters.

94%: share of parents who want to live independently as they age

68%: share of mothers who say daughters will take better care of them as they age

80%: parents who say their children will care for them as well as they care for their parents."

Do you find it surprising that elderly mothers would prefer to live with daughters rather than sons (who probably come with a wife aka "daughter-in-law")? I don't. However, I'm fortunate to be married to an only child. His mother, R, is like a mother and she treats me like a daughter.

Yet--and this is not surprising either--98% of parents want to live independently as they age. And this is true of R, who still lives in her home of 60+ years--actually is back, living independently in her home without help, after breaking her hip in late September and making an impressive recovery. (Her recovery is the subject of a January 25, 2011 post.)

The fact that 68% of mothers say their daughters will take better care of them is also not surprising. We typically think "women" when we think "caregivers" but many men--prefer (my dad insisted on) "male" when thinking "caregivers" for themselves. Whether or not those "males" would include their sons is anyone's guess--probably depends on several factors including the son's wife.

Lastly, isn't the 80% of parents who say their children will care for them as well as they care for their parents ambiguous as to quality of care? Does that mean if they don't do a good job of caring for their parents, their children--likewise--won't do a good job of caring for them--or vice versa?

It's a fact that parents are strong role models for their children. And parents who help their aging parents are modeling this behavior for their children who, in turn, have better odds that they will help their parents as they age. If we believe in role models, or if we believe "what goes around, comes around," it's all the more reason to help parents age well.

Check out my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com--same blog, more information and resources

Help Aging Parents: Veteran's Pensions revisited--on Blogtalk Radio

2011-04-30T14:37:00.000-07:00

All three levels of Veteran's Benefits:
Healthcare (includes prescriptions),
Service-Related,
Pensions (3 pension levels including Aid and Attendance)

are discussed on blogger Dale Carter's March 5, 2011 Blogtalk radio interview. Victoria Collier, a Vietnam Veteran, who's now an attorney specializing in elder law and veteran's benefits, is Dale's guest.

While attorney Collier obviously can't cover everything in depth, there are 2 reasons I highly recommend taking the time to click the link below and listen to this half-hour program.
-- As an educator I know that while some of us are better visual learners, others are auditory learners who learn best by listening.
-- The Veteran's Aid and Attendance Pension Program is no secret to my readers, never-the-less attorney Collier brings up more helpful details in a half hour than one can include in a blog. (We're told blogs won't hold readers' attention that long....surprise, surprise.)

Since our goal is to help parents age well--during the good times and during the challenges, if there's a veteran in your family--especially an aging one--check out Dale Carter's interview. It's such a good one--packed with information that can help parents (and grandparents), who are veterans, age well.

....And who knows, this might just turn into a life-changing present for Mother's Day....or Father's Day.http://www.blogtalkradio.com/dalec/2011/03/15/veterans-benefits-for-your-aging-parents

Aging Parents: Mother's Day Gift Ideas

2011-04-26T21:09:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day crept up on me this year. Suddenly it's less than two weeks away...actually too late for one of the best Mother's Day gift ideas--but perhaps not too late if you're creative.

I've never seen this handbag in the East....maybe because it comes from California. But I've seen it in the West and grandmothers who have it, love it. They should because it's pricey. (Yet we all know--everything pricey isn't loved by everyone). At least one grandmother says it's "a thrilling gift to receive...I don't think any mother or grandmother would appreciate anything more." She has the "Vanessa." What makes it so special?

It's a Brighton handbag, with a photo expertly reproduced on the back and front-- a wonderful conversation piece of excellent quality...."sturdy," I'm told.

If you want to get it for Mother's Day, I'd like to suggest downloading a picture of the handbag and putting it in a Mother's Day Card. After all, looking forward to something is half the fun and the photo won't be revealed until the handbag is unwrapped. When several people go in on the gift, needless to say, it becomes more affordable. Click the link. http://www.brightoncollections.com/products.php?CatID=1&TypeID=61.

There's a phone number to call for specifics. You'll learn how to send the photo (which needs to be 4x6 horizontal) and when the gift will arrive. While I love the handbag with the family dog, I'm guessing grandchildren usually win out.

The second pricey gift: the iPad. An 88-year-old with macular degeneration received one as a birthday gift last weekend and says she loves it because she can enlarge the font to read books as well as the apps (some of which her children installed for her). This makes reading a so much better for her. (I understand her kids went to the Apple store at 7:30 in the morning and there was already a long line.)

A less pricey gift: the Kindle. Again the size of the font can be enlarged which helps people with macular degeneration as well as others. While the Kindle is not as versatile as the iPad since it's made for reading books, it does help many aging parents to enjoy reading once again.

I will update previous posts featuring Mother's Day gifts on Saturday. In the meantime, feel free to search them on my blog.

Visit my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com--same blog, tabs, and more information

Lifting Aging Parents' Spirits on Dreary, Rainy Days

2011-04-23T21:04:00.000-07:00

Another dreary, rainy day in the northeast--the day before Easter, a time when we expect Spring weather to lift our spirits. For me it's cozy--rain pattering on the roof; my husband at home; and each of us is doing what we want with few "must do's" until we meet friends for dinner tonight.

Then I think about the older people who live alone on dreary days. My neighbor, with a husband, 5 adult children and umpteen grandchildren, is prepared for this kind of day. She has looked out for an independently-living 90+ year-old childless (and as I understand it "remarkable") aunt for 10 years...through the good times and some major health events.

Idea #1: a movie on a rainy day

Every weekend my neighbor visits her aunt, bringing a film from Netflix. What's better than watching a movie on a dreary day? Sometimes it's an old movie, featuring stars of her aunt's era; sometimes it's a current film. She and her aunt watch together and often have a snack as if they were at the movies. It's something her aunt looks forward to and a responsibility my friend feels blessed to be able to do.

Idea #2: Live-streaming Forwards on a dreary day

We all receive forwards. They can bring music, video, and interest to aging parents who use computers and know how to click the link. Connecting with nature is uplifting and regenerating, so watching the live-streaming below should capture older people's interest:

1. The 24/7 (special light that doesn't disturb birds, they say) live-stream video of an eagle pair and their 3 little eaglets. Who doesn't love watching babies?

2. The NY Times live stream of red-tailed hawks, Violet and Bobby, on their nest, waiting for their eggs to hatch--any day now. It's mesmerizing. One person called it "a zen-like experience." The fact that the nest sits on the window ledge of New York University's President's office--smack dab in the middle of the big city--attests to the hawks' resourcefulness. Excellent technology makes this live-stream close and personal--actually, I think, addictive.

Idea #3: Links on a blah day

Links such as YouTube add entertainment to aging parents' lives. Our lives are busy and, speaking for myself, there's precious little time to watch and appreciate everything that's forwarded. But there are elders who aren't busy, who don't have much going on, who feel down on dreary days. Selected entertainment can be a "pick-me-up."

As we look for ways to help parents age well when those dreary days dampen spirits, why not give these ideas a try?

With hopes that one of the red-tailed hawk's eggs hatches soon.......

Visit my other site:helpparentsagewell.com Same blog, more information

The Best Cell Phones For Seniors

2011-04-19T20:58:00.000-07:00

"I just got my new cell phone, and it's one that I can understand, outsmart, and know how to operate!!! I got it at the Verizon Cell Phone for Seniors store at the mall!"

This email was forwarded to me by a friend following my telephone posts of April 9 and 12. (Love it when people send ideas for my blog.) I did some research but am also anxiously waiting to hear from the originator of the forwarded email above. I'm want to know exactly which cell phone has empowered her.

What is the best cell phone for aging parents? I thought PC magazine might have the answer. Its three-page article "The Top Simple Cell Phones" (Feb. 2011) offers excellent information in text, plus ratings and a slide show of seven phones. I knew Jitterbug (third page) was senior-user-friendly, but had little knowledge about the other cell phones.

Another review of cell phones for seniors,http://reviews.cnet.com/cell-phones-for-seniors/, (updated April 2011) lists only one phone on PC Magazine's list: Doro Phone Easy 410. The comments at the end from adult children purchasing cell phones for parents and grandparents offer an additional perspective.

I was completely clueless about Verizon Senior Stores. Google and Yahoo are always a first line of research for me and I found several Verizon Senior Stores are located somewhat near me. While three stores had ratings and comments, the sample of respondents is too small to be valid by any research standards. Yet some stores appear to be more senior client-centered than others. There were rave reviews, for example, about a certain saleswoman at one of the Verizon Senior Stores, while some people complained about service at other stores.

Cell phones are a real convenience and can obviously save lives in an emergency. Check out the offerings. Clearly a user-friendly cell phone is a necessity as we try to help parents and older people age well. The right cell phone encourages connections, is a practical gift, and will hopefully empower older people just as it empowered the writer of the forwarded email that began this post.

And what was this cell phone that she could understand, outsmart and know how to operate with such enthusiasm? I promise to post the name as soon as I hear from her.

Visit my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com Same blog, more tabs and information

Challenging Doctors To Help Parents Who are Patients Age Well

2011-04-16T20:57:00.000-07:00

Are We Brave Enough to Question a Doctor?

Reaching old age in relatively healthy condition involves many things. Along the way, there are the inevitable health issues that may require hospitalization.
I also think it's safe to say that most of us just naturally want to please our parents' doctors or at least not get on their bad side. We want to collaborate, not seem critical or questioning. But sometimes.........
While it's not uncommon to feel stressed just thinking about having a difficult conversation, especially one that involves someone in authority, it can be more daunting when we feel we must have this kind of conversation with our parents' doctor or other health workers who care for our parents.
* * * * *
Maureen Dowd tackled this issue in her April 13, 2011 NY Times column, informing us that--among other things-- "A report in the April issue of Health Affairs indicated that one out of every three people suffer a mistake during a hospital stay."
For those of us trying to help parents, older people or anyone age well, I think this column really is a "must-read," especially if a hospital stay is imminent or might be in their future.

Visit my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com Same blog, more tabs and information

Help! Aging Parents

Stimulation and Connections Enhance Seniors' Lives-- 6 Suggestions

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY FROM HELP! AGING PARENTS

Career, Aging Parents, Caregiving--Part 3: Clarigying the Quandary

Linkedin? Aging Parents? Caregiving?=Quandry: Part 2

Linkedin? Aging Parents? Caregiving?=Quandry

Help Aging Parents With Simple Creativity on Valentine's Day

10 Edible Valentine's Day Gift Ideas for Aging Parents

Aging Parents: Over-stressed, Caring Children

"Pushing" Aging Parents to do More Than They Can or Want To Do

Aging Parents and the Airport Body Scanner

Aging Parents and Airports: Happy Flying or headache-producing Part 2 (of 2)

Aging Parents: What's Elderhood

Aging Parents and Airports: Happy Flying or Headache-producing? Part 1 (of 2)

Help Aging Parents: Their Private Thoughts as 2011 Ends and 2012 Begins

Aging Parents: Lifting the After-Christmas Let-Down

Aging Parents Visiting for the Holidays: Pain or Pleasure

Help Aging Parents With a Night Drive to See Holiday Lights

Aging Parents-Set In Their Ways: Can They Change?

Aging Parents and Older People: Moving

Stocking Stuffers for Seniors

Holiday Gifts for Aging Mothers--Part 1

Gifts to Aid Reading for Seniors with Low Vision:An Additional Post for Black Friday and beyond

Aging Parents and Thanksgiving

Do We Expect Too Much of Aging Parents

Moving From Home Leads to a Holiday Gift Idea

Aging Parents: A Happy Surprise and Flower Power

When Aging Parents Do Become Old: Is There a Tipping Point?

Easy Outings for Mobility-Challenged Aging Parents and Others

Aging Parents and Medications: Missed or Mixed up?

When Aging Parents Should Move From Their Homes

Aging/Elderly Parents: Self-Esteem--Vulnerable

Saturday's Post Postponed Until Sunday 10/2/11

Does Helping Parents Age Well Include Helping Parents Die Well?

Tuesday's Post Delayed Until Tomorrow 9/28/11

Aging Parents: Slowing Down? Struggling to Keep Up?

Staying Connected. Remaining Engaged. Relevant Video for Aging Parents and Us

Aging Parents: Slowing Down? Struggling to Keep Up? Rigid?

We notice parents slowing down.They take more time to do things.Does their snail’s pace drive us crazy? Do we make them crazy if we try to rush them?

To be continued tomorrow……on my other site: http://helpparentsagewell.com

A Truly Inspirational 98-year-old’s Birthday and Wisdom

Do We Push Aging Parents Too Much?

Why Computer Literacy for Aging Parents--How to Start Them Our Right

Tuesday's Post Delayed Until Tomorrow

Why Aging Parents Who Work Should Use Computers

Heads up if you work in your older parents’ business and they depend on you for all things computer

A Fun Evening Outing for Aging Parents and You

Cell Phones vs. Alert Pendants if Seniors Should Fall

Capable Adult Children: Stressed…………….. Decisions: Hastily Made……………………. Independent Aging Parent: Unnecessarily Damaged

83-year-old Woman Driver Uses Her Wit

The Right Cane for Aging Parents

Aging Parents and Loneliness

Aging Parents and Depression: Promising Research?

Inadvertently Diminishing Aging Parents

Aging Parents' Secrets: Tips for Getting Parents to Dislose Them

Tuesday's post Delayed Until Tomorrow

Aging Parents' Well-being: 4 Things They Won't Tell Us and Why

Saturday's Post Postponed Until Sunday

Entertaining Aging Parents: Destination Outings and Short Drives

Help Aging Parents: Discussing End-of-Life Issues

Aging Parents: Taking Medications--or Perhaps Skipping Them?

Help Aging Parents: Downsizing, Leaving Home, and Loss

Downsizing Aging Parents' Homes: Energy, Organization Part 2

Downsizing Aging Parents' Homes: Energy, Organization Part 2

Downsizing--Aging Parents' Homes...How Much Energy Does It Take?

Downsizing: Energy, Organization, Loss, Change--For Aging Parents and For Us Too?

Help Aging Parents: When Life (and Death) Get in the Way

Aging Parents: Older/Old People and Change

Aging Parents: Continuing to Help Aging Fathers on Father's Day

Aging Parents: A Round-Up of Gift Ideas for Father's Day

Help Aging Parents: Do We Become Parents to Our Parents-- Part 2 of 2

Aging Parents: Do We Become Parents to Our Parents? Part 1 (of 2)

Today's Post Delayed Until Tomorrow

Aging Parents: The Value of Walking With Your Parents if You're Over 44

Help Aging Parents: In Honor of Memorial Day 2011

Help Aging Parents: Computers for Seniors

Aging Parents' Computer Capability--2

Aging Parents: Computer Capability

Tuesday's Post delayed another day--until Thursday

Enrichment for Aging Parents Capable of Using a Computer

We notice parents slowing down.
They take more time to do things.
Does their snail’s pace drive us crazy? Do we make them crazy if we try to rush them?